Hello, world

I feel like my life is a big fat mess right now. Part of me knows I'm being a bit stupid, because I have just about the biggest safety net I could have, in terms of my parents, and I'm probably going to graduate university with at least a pretty alright degree.
But I just have no idea what to do with my life, and this feeling of having no path to follow is so scary, and lonely and it freaks me out a little bit. My whole life has been a bit of a no-brainer up until now. School was really easy for me, then sixth form was alright. I always knew I'd do A-levels. And I always knew that after that I'd go to uni. But that's where the plan finishes and I have to actually do some soul-searching figure out what I want.
And I'm pretty hopeless at knowing what I want. Apparently I'm someone that lies to themselves and doesn't ever think about the important things. Even when I think about them, I'm only surface thinking.
So I'm not sure how to get past that.
I'm driving myself crazy. I really hope I get some inspiration pretty soon, because this year is going to fly by, and I need to sort it, like now.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I'm falling asleep at my desk at work. Didn't sleep until about half past six and I was up at ten past eight. Urgh. It's my own fault for napping. but it was a fantastic nap. I think it was almost worth it. And I'm going to buy a dinosaur lamp for my room. Not a lamp with dinosaurs on. A 3D dinosaur-shaped lamp, which the bulb goes inside. I want the diplodocus.
Today it's cold and rainy, which is mildly upsetting, but I have very voluminous hair, which is cheerier. I also have inexplicably dirty fingernails. I want today to go quiiiiickly so I can climb into bed and watch rubbish tv.

Yesterday I found out my ex-boyfriend's mum died a few days ago while he was on holiday. I didn't like her much. And I hate him. But it's sad, and I wish I could communicate to him that I am. But us talking doesn't work.
Brilliant week. I love road trips and sun. But I'm covered in bruises. Laminate laminate.

http://wellknowwhenwegetthere.blogspot.com/2009/08/sincerely-john-hughes.html

I found this.

The Longest Way 1.0 - one year walk/beard grow time lapse from Christoph Rehage on Vimeo.

pop the question

Very early on Sunday morning I was lying on my bed, texting a few friends, watching some youtube videos, la la la. My ex boyfriend was texting me a bit. Just to include the back story, we got together in fresher's week in my first, and his third year of uni. We lasted about 4 months, until he finished me. And that was about 18 months ago. Because he was at work (he's on nights right now) and was trying to get stuff done, he called me for a bit, instead of texting.
Chat chat chat, very nice. Then he says 'Can I tell you something?' This sort of sentence is the kind that fills me with dread. 'Yeah, course' is what I answer, but I'm already anxious about what's coming.
'You know we were planning that holiday?' He's referring to a pie-in-the-sky flight of fancy we had to go away together in June. It never materialised.
'Yeah'.
'Well, while we were there, I was planning to propose.'
'................................................propose..........marriage?'
'Yeah.'
'..........................Okay.......................'
I know. And, maybe you think this sounds strange and unexpected because you don't know the details. If you think that, you're wrong. This is exactly as strange and unexpected as it sounds. I was, quite literally, speechless.
He proceeded to tell me about how he'd picked out, with the help of a friend, and bought, a ring, and that he'd planned what to say, and where to do it. He also told me that he thought I'd probably say no, but that, in any case, he wanted me to know how much he cares for me.
This is a guy, who said he could never marry, because marriage is a sacred covenant between the couple and God, and he could never trust another person not to break the promise they'd both made to Him. This is a guy who finished with me because he said we wanted different things and therefore we had no future. A guy who slept with, and went out with someone else, barely weeks after we broke up.
Needless to say, I am still recovering from this news.... I think the only way I can come to terms with this is to compulsively ebay.