I've been sat in my house crying for most of the day. I don't want to return to uni. I'm scared of not being around my very close group. I've come to rely on them even more of late. Also, my boyfriend didn't want to see me tonight, or tomorrow. So today was the last time i'll see him for about 3 weeks. It was extremely underwhelming, as goodbyes go. 

If he doesn't want to see me, I should just let him do what he likes. Why am I obsessing over this?

What if the morning after pill doesn't work? Then my head will be truly fucked, and they'll have to cart me off to the funny farm stuffed full of pills with huge rolls of bandages ready for when I savage my arms.

I'm so mentally healthy.

I'm scared I might be losing my mind. My boyfriend's asleep, lying beside me. He's beautiful. He actually resembles a Raphaelian angel in some lights. I really am punching above my weight with this one. I'm getting a bed to take to uni. It's a futon. It looks really lovely. 

What if I go crazy? Will my boyfriend love me? Or will I technically not be the same person, so he's allowed to not love be because I'm different. His arm's curled protectively round my waste as I type, laptop resting on the knees of my crossed legs. But he can't stop my mind imploding. I want so much to curl up in his safe warmth, but when he isn't conscious, it's like it isn't him I'm cuddled up to. I don't know. It makes me feel more alone. And that makes my head worse. How do you fix that?

No weed was brought. It's a shame, because I could do with muddling my thinking a bit. Although maybe it's good. Perhaps weed isn't good for a fucked up head.

I really hope my boyfriend brings some weed over tonight. I'm currently sat at my desk in my room with a cup of hot chocolate (the good kind, made with milk, not water) and a kitkat. I'm just waiting for Boy to come round really. It's not exactly been the most productive day. I went to the doctor, then the pharmacy, and then to my best friend's grave where I had a bit of a sob.

Since then it's been reading and writing. 

I'm back off to uni soon. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I sort of want to be busy with lectures and friends and stuff again; since I go back a week after everyone else it's been quiet for the last few days. But I'm scared of leaving my boyfriend. And I don't want to go back and not be around my friends all the time - home friends that is. I don't know. I'm a very confused individual. 

Sometimes I just want to admit myself to a hospital and let doctors and psychiatrists look after me. 

This feels really strange. I'm sat at my desk, in my bedroom. I just got off the phone to the local doctor's surgery. I'm going in to get the morning after pill. I've never taken it before, but last night the condom broke when me and the boy were doing the hawaiian. 

It felt so strange last night. I was really really high, and all I could think of was that his sperm had burrowed into my egg, and was growing and growing. I had this awful paranoia that I'd wake up in the morning with a 9 month foetus falling out of me. 

Why does this feel like such a huge thing? It's not like I'm waiting for an abortion or anything. 

news news news

It's strange to write after neglecting it for so long.
Life is continuing. Some days are absolutely horrific, but there are less of them the more time passes. It's good not to feel rubbish always, but sometimes I worry I'm forgetting her when I feel happy.

........I wrote that paragraph a couple of hours ago. A few minutes ago my best friend's sister called to tell me that she's being featured in Vogue!A few months ago she entered a writing competition in the magazine. Oh I'm so so proud of her. She's so fantastic and amazing. I think I'll buy it when I finish work, and go and visit her grave with it. She would be so so happy knowing she was in Vogue. I can't stop hopping up and down :)

I have yet to get sad about this - no doubt it will descend shortly. But for now I'm content to be absolutely over the moon for her. What a fantastic girl :) Oh something as brilliant as that just makes you walk on air for a few hours.

What else has been going on? Well... The boy told me he loves me. His name is O. He's very very lovely. He's actually been really lovely and understanding through this mire of shit that has consumed everyone recently. He is, I'm happy to say, a bit of a life saver. And a musician! What could be better? I like that he knew my best friend too. When you're crying for your loss, it's ... not nice. but it's better, because you know they understand, to some degree, how you feel. He is, in many ways, one of the best things to happen to me this year.

Other new things to discuss...travel. After the horror of April, me and a friend decided to get away.We commensed a bit of a Eurotrip. We started in London (obv) and caught the Eurostar to paris. From there we visited Amsterdam, Berlin, Interlaken, Lake Garda, Venice, Rome, Nice, Barcelona and then returned to Paris. It took about a month, and was the best fun ever. Getting away (not running away) was the best thing I could have done. We took her with us, but not having to be faced with the every day act of grieving was refreshing and relieving. I don't know how to end this. So