presents

lovely pressies ♥

Today is a better day. I have bought my best friend's little sister a really cool pair of warm looking paul frank slippers, and I picked up a dvd that I'd already paid for and bought my housemate a calender of Johnny Depp who she adores to the point of obsession (we're doing Secret Santa this year). A present I ordered for another friend (Eagle vs Shark) arrived in the post, and I ordered a cute new jacket and scarf online. I also finally got the courage to take back a present I'd bought for my boyfriend, and used the money to buy Benefit Beautiful Eyes :)
I'd bought him The Life Acquatic on dvd, a book called No one else belongs here more than you by Miranda July (who he adores), a hat (which I returned) and a soap dispenser in the shape of a cow (he's a bit ocd about washing his hands, plus he's moving into a new flat soon, so it was a sort of housewarming christmas present.)
Anyway, he'd have really loved his presents is essentially what I'm saying. And since he's still being a twat to me even though we're finished, I decided I'd prefer to have a present instead of him. I'm keeping the book and the dvd, but the cow soap was a very personal thing so I might just chuck it in with his stuff when I give him it all at Christmas.
I also had lunch with a friend and printed some lecture notes! All in all it's been quite a good day.
And it's been sunny. What more could a girl want? Lovely lovely day. Christmas shopping is really pleasing me at the moment.

confused

I have a stupid assignment in for tomorrow. I've written it, mostly. But I'll have to cut out a lot of words.
I don't feel as terrible as I thought I might, about the breakup. I think it's because it happened already. I feel more mixed and confused than upset. And I don't think that's even because of Him. I think it's a combination of stuff. I don't know. My friend keeps going on at me to go to the doctors or to a counsellor at uni.
I sort of think I might. I'm so tired of feeling like my head has been crammed full of wet, swirling air. And no one ever understands how I feel. Although it's difficult to tell whether this is due to my own inarticulation, or because no one else feels like this.
Either way, I really really fancy being stuffed full of pills right now. I just want it to go away.
I'm lying in bed watching Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe on youtube. He's so fantastic. I can't get enough of him. So so funny. And it blocks out all the shit that's in my head, which is really appreciated. Especially at 2am.
What a God-like genius he truly is. Speaking of God,
Richard Dawkins is just fantastic. Every person with a brain should have a book owned by him on their bookshelf.
I'm quite tired. Hopefully sleep will come to me soon. And I won't wake up dreaming of the Boy, and feeling sick from it.
Hopefully things will seem brighter tomorrow. And I'll be able to not be a confused mess of conflicting hormones and emotions. Maybe tomorrow I'll go a whole day without having to explain myself 8 times because my thoughts are so abstract.

relationhip status:

Single. Again.

boyspeak

What does 'There's a problem' mean?

I’m sat in the computer lab watching a programme about mental illness. Last night I told my friend that sometimes I hurt myself.
My boyfriend keeps telling me to come and see him because he misses me and it’s too hard without me, but he won’t come and see me, despite having numerous hours of free time on his hands.
I don’t understand that.
I really, really would like a chocolate bar right about now.
There’s always so much I want to say, and never enough space for all the thoughts to be around and spill out properly in a coherent and competent way.
I think I want to make my boyfriend a dot to dot picture for Christmas, but I’m not sure what I’d like it to be of.
I don’t even know if we’ll be together at Christmas, because he finds it ‘so difficult’ being away from me. Bollocks.
Why can’t he just love me? Why is it so difficult? I just want to eat and eat and eat. But then I’ll just get fatter and he’ll finish me for being a blimp. ARGHHHH. Could this life be any worse?

Hmm. It's very possible that I'm in an entirely dysfunctional relationship.
Last night I had a sort of argument (can you argue over text?) with my boyfriend about the fact that I couldn't visit him (this is despite the fact that he never ever visits me) and then it sort of came about that he ended up threatening that he might finish with me.
So then this morning I gave in and told him I would visit.
But then later on today, I said to him 'You don't love me, do you.' Not in a mardy way; we were having a nice conversation. Anyway, he answered, and he said 'To be honest, no I don't think I do'.
Which was a bit of a shock to the system.
It's meant I've been in a huge sort of painful fuggy cloud all day. But I think I might be ok with it now. It's ok that he doesn't love me isn't it? I mean, if I'm ok with it, it's not a bad thing?
I hope not.
I'm going to see him soon anyway. So I hope everything will be ok.
Mmm going for tea with my housemates tonight. Hopefully that will take my mind off it, and also please my tummy.
Then I will go home and have drinkies, and put ribbons in my hair and dance madly.
Please please please please love me one day.

PS

AND I finished sewing my dress from ebay with the pink monkeys on wearing top hats. Yus!

atheist bus campaign

This is probably the best campaign I've ever seen :) Click here to go to the website! :) I love being British.
My fringe is being stupid today because I got rained on. So I'm about to go home and straighten my fringe (which I keep compulsively cutting. BAD.) and get in bed and revise.
And THEN watch the new series of Lead Balloon at ten on the beeb. I ♥ Jack Dee.

I think...

...I got my work finished. Hurrah!
However, not sure where things stand with the boy. And I just realised that I've had the same pair of studs in my 3rd piercings for so long that they sort of embedded and have gone a teeny bit manky. Oops.

Prettiest necklace ever. Today is rubbish apart from this.

today however...

... I am really really stressing about work. I've been doing it for about 4 hours and counting. Nightmare.

Wednesday 5th October 18:20

I’m laid in bed wearing the coolest outfit. It isn’t even that dazzlingly brilliant. I just really love it. It’s a t shirt that belongs to my boyfriend. White with a piano that's split in half at the bottom, and from it shoot lots of whirls and laces of colour. A black skirt which is a bit puffbally, navy three quarter sleeve cardigan with gold heart buttons. A big chunky necklace that sort of looks lik it’s mad of marbles. My tights are thick, and a little bit textured, I think, and this beautiful deep sort of dusty yellow. And I have yellow tiny roses in my ears.
My t shirt smells of my boyfriend ☺
I’m watching American Beauty. It’s such a great film. I have my fairy lights on; they’re arranged around my bed, with my photographs. I really love my room.
I might draw a picture of an oyster catcher for my boyfriend.
The music to this film really is fantastic. Hmm… tomorrow I think I will wear…my cardigan with the cherries on. And some pretty underwear ☺

bad day.

Today is so rubbishy. I was in quite a good mood, but then I vomited (probably all the weed) and then had to wait on a train platform in the freeeeezing cold.
I've just been feeling really shitty anyway, and I went to get a chocolate bar from the vendor, and it said E10 for an Aero. So I put my money in, (50p by the way! Extortion!) and so I pressed E, then the 1 for the ten. But then I saw that there was actually a number 10 button all of its own.
So I looked at the case where E1 was, and there was sweet FA.
So, ladies and gents, I just spent FIFTY PENCE on NOTHING.
So I still feel faint. Joy.

I posted this on 30th November 2007:

I miss my best friend so much. Shes so lovely. And I loathe that i never realised how similar we are, before. We met in high school in about year 8, and we've grown up together, but not only that, we've grown together really. like, intertwined. EVen though we don't dress the same or necessariy like the same music, all the important things are in sync. We love each other and i miss her so much!!!! I spoke to her tonight on an instant messaging thing, and I really really want her to be here right now. I want to be drinking cosmopolitans with her, all dressed up in a pretentious bar in london.
God. Uni is amazing, but I'm not really that close with my mates yet. It's still a bit... like, explain what you mean sort of friendship, not like, thinking the same thing simulaeously friendship.
And as my housemate Mr R pointed out so very kindly, me and my boyfriend are more like fuckbuddies.
Thankyou so much Mr R.
I suppose I just miss being extremely close with someone. I miss my best friend.

Now I miss her because she isn't here anymore. I'm still at uni (well, I'm at home this weekend), and I still miss her. But it's so much worse now.
It scares me that I don't cry every day. And I hate that people sort of...forget. And I can't stand it when people get upset about death or grief, even though they have every right, and should be upset if they need to be. I hate it because I feel like I need it more. I feel like I knew the best person in the world, and now I don't have her anymore. So why the fuck should they be allowed to be upset?
I hate it. I hate what I wrote about us thinking the same thing simultaneously. Because now where does that leave me? It's like I'm a jigsaw with a bit missing. I always want to turn around and just give her a look, because she would know exactly what it meant and who I was referring to. We could almost telepathically bitch about people.
And no one gets it. And I hate anyone who pretends to.
So apparently grief fills you with hate for the whole world.

Today the dvd of what they filmed of my best friend's memorial show arrived through the letterbox. Somehow don't think I'll be watching that one anytime soon.

Barack Obama won the presidential election at 6am this morning. Thank God :)
I'm going home tomorrow to see my boy.
All my exams are finished now (apart from one which won't be for two weeks).
AND I'm getting my hair cut on friday!
Everything is nice. Except my cat has had all her teeth taken out :(
Let's stay happy, world.

ebay shoes and boys :)

I am not single anymore. Boyfriend who is now boyfriend again made a U turn. and my FIT ebay trainers arrived! Although because i'm incompetent I had them posted to my home address. So I suppose it's a good job I'm going home!!! At the weekend. To see the boy. Lovely lovely lovely :) I know I'm a doormat, and I have incurred the wrath of my friend for it. But I love him. And as long as everything is happy, I'm ok. So yus! I win. :)

i would like a red ribbon to tie in my hair

It makes me sad when the boy I'm in love with says we can't be together anymore because he can't handle me being at uni.
It makes me compulsively ebay, and watch huge amounts of mememolly videos.
I love Brett Easton Ellis. And Animal Collective. I like things that remind me of him, but they do sort of shoot bullets through me.
I can't wait until these completely amazing trainers get posted to me. Ditto the cute black pinafore.
I might stop eating.