I posted this on 30th November 2007:

I miss my best friend so much. Shes so lovely. And I loathe that i never realised how similar we are, before. We met in high school in about year 8, and we've grown up together, but not only that, we've grown together really. like, intertwined. EVen though we don't dress the same or necessariy like the same music, all the important things are in sync. We love each other and i miss her so much!!!! I spoke to her tonight on an instant messaging thing, and I really really want her to be here right now. I want to be drinking cosmopolitans with her, all dressed up in a pretentious bar in london.
God. Uni is amazing, but I'm not really that close with my mates yet. It's still a bit... like, explain what you mean sort of friendship, not like, thinking the same thing simulaeously friendship.
And as my housemate Mr R pointed out so very kindly, me and my boyfriend are more like fuckbuddies.
Thankyou so much Mr R.
I suppose I just miss being extremely close with someone. I miss my best friend.

Now I miss her because she isn't here anymore. I'm still at uni (well, I'm at home this weekend), and I still miss her. But it's so much worse now.
It scares me that I don't cry every day. And I hate that people sort of...forget. And I can't stand it when people get upset about death or grief, even though they have every right, and should be upset if they need to be. I hate it because I feel like I need it more. I feel like I knew the best person in the world, and now I don't have her anymore. So why the fuck should they be allowed to be upset?
I hate it. I hate what I wrote about us thinking the same thing simultaneously. Because now where does that leave me? It's like I'm a jigsaw with a bit missing. I always want to turn around and just give her a look, because she would know exactly what it meant and who I was referring to. We could almost telepathically bitch about people.
And no one gets it. And I hate anyone who pretends to.
So apparently grief fills you with hate for the whole world.