hummingbirds can't walk. racism part II

So, I'm not even sure how it began. But we had an argument about race in our house.
It definitely started out from one comment, but it's difficult to remember exactly what it was. I think one of the boys I live with made a jokey comment about how a girl I live with (we'll call her T-race-y - get it?) makes racist comments to her friend from home when she calls him. I'm pretty sure that was one of the starting things. Also, at some point, she said that she was glad another of our housemates wasn't black. Which I thought was really strange.
I'm not recounting this well.
Anyway, there were four housemates (including me) who were anti racism, and there were two expressing racist opinions. Although later, one of them decided that actually he wasn't racist, he just didn't like the big gangs that hang around in his city (whether they're white or not). So mostly it was just Tracey fighting her own corner.
It always really shocks me when I encounter racism. I don't live in a very multicultural area, so it isn't a topic that comes up often with alot of people I know. Whenever I have experienced it, it's really upset me and caught me off guard. And something I really hate is that you can really get on with someone well, and you think they're the loveliest person, but then you can find out this really awful part of them. And once you know, you can't ever look at them the same way, and you always feel a little bit uncomfortable.
How can a person be so lovely and seemingly normal and rational in every other aspect, but be ignorant and bigoted and essentially, just stupid. Because that's what racism is, it's just stupid.
The worst part about the whole thing (and it was pretty dire, I mean, I had to keep leaving the room because I got so angry and upset) was that her concluding argument was 'Well I don't have the facts, so I can't argue back, so I'm just going to leave'. She admitted that she didn't know any facts about levels of asylum and the percentage of immigrants in the country. But she didn't recognise, even after I pointed it out to her, that a lack of knowledge is exactly why she shouldn't have that opinion. She just kept saying 'well I'm allowed my opinion' but when that's what her opinion is, then I really don't think she should be allowed her own opinion.
The things she said were ridiculous and plentiful. Like, it isn't her fault that she's a racist because she lives in a white area, so she's never met a black person. So? I've never met an innuit, but I know they're human. They're no different to anybody else. How can she be so blindly stupid?
She didn't even understand stupidly simple ideas, like why it's worse for someone who isn't black to use the 'n' word than it is for a black person to use it. She couldn't understand why the historical significance of slavery and black oppression affects anything.
There's so much that she said that was wrong. Not just that she shouldn't have said it, because it's taboo, but that the things she stated were incorrect.
She was stupid, and ridiculous, and stubborn and blind. And I hate it. And I can't forget it.

you're more likely to have a heart attack in the morning. Racism part I

I heard this conversation today. It appalled me.
Lady A, was describing to Ladies B and C this piece of footage she'd seen on the tv. She said it was a muslim man cutting off the head of a soldier. I assume she meant that the soldier was western in appearance. I'm not sure why she imagined the assailant must be muslim. Because religion, as insane as it is, does not appear as a physical characteristic. What I must assume, is that she meant the man was an arab.
But it got worse. She started describing what they were doing before they murdered him, and was saying that they were shouting and talking to each other, 'in muslim'. In muslim??? Are you kidding? So you mean in Arabic then. Arghhhhhh!
I cannot articulate how much this stresses me out. Why is it, in her mind, okay to say 'muslim language' but not describe English as 'Christian language'? You don't have to be foreign to be muslim! It's a belief! Millions of Indians are Christian, for example! It's just an idea! It isn't something you're born with and must die with. For fuck's sake! I don't often use exclamation marks, but seriously. Does she not have a brain?
I realise how harsh and awful I sound, but it makes me really really upset that people don't even think through what they're saying, or what they've heard and are repeating.
They proceded to use extremist language. Lots of thems and theys. And were complaining about how minority groups get offended when fun is had at their expense. I for one do get irritated by the fact that Muslim groups do tend to overreact to things (for example when the cartoon of Mohammed was printed and all hell broke loose). Because lots of people poke fun at images of Jesus and stuff and no one bats an eyelid. Even when Jerry Springer the opera came out, no one threatened the lives of the people staging it.
So I do see the point that some groups do overreact more than others. However, they then started rationalising this opinion by saying that 'gays make fun of themselves'. Even if this is true (have they surveyed any homosexual populations?) why does that mean others can make fun of them?
Then they concluded by saying that essentially, they should just accept that people are going to have a pop, because they are in a minority.
Welcome, victims of torture, refugees, asylum seekers. You are in a minority. In Britain, this means we can make fun of you as much as we want, and you can't complain. Okay?
Jesus.
I really hate that I get on with these people. And in other situations they're perfectly agreeable, lovely people. It's just (as if just is the right word) if you're of another race that they become irrational and ridiculous.
God.
There is so much more that I could say on this issue. But I should sleep. So I can go to work and not be tired and lose my rag if more of this shit comes up.

So good to be home. Lovely bed, everything is clean, lots of food, always warm. Absolutely amazing.
Lovely friends, lovely money, lovely car :)
!!!!!
Stupid work, but stupid work = lovely money, which = Diana F+ camera !!
Twitter will help me through the working week anyway. Tweet tweet.
Sleep now. Or at least relax away from a screen.
Mmm wine.

I'm sat in my bed watching bbciplayer. I just got out of the shower so I'm all soggy, but it's nice because the house is warm. I'm not sure how, because it's never warm, but it is.
I love QI so much.
Did you know it was the Russians who invented serving meals in courses? It was made fashionable by the Ritz in Paris who introduced the option to have your meal served á la Russe.
God, Stephen, I love you. He makes me really really happy.
Oh I'm all hungover from being high. I'm being really slow and ploddy.
Bizarrely, I ate two jars of Lloyd Grossman pasta sauce last night. It was really really addictive, but then I thought I should stop, because I would quite like something to put on my pasta for the rest of the week.
I am such a geek. I adore Horizon programs. They're the ultimate if they feature Brian Cox
but they're usually always really good. I'm getting really happy about watching it later, I'm such a lame.
The living room smells so nice from last night. We didn't even hotbox it. Oh Mary Jane. I sound like such an idiot. I really do.
I'm glad I had a distraction though, because I was starting to get sad. And although obviously it doesn't always help when you're getting sad, to get off your face (whether it's drugs or alcohol or whatever) but on this occasion it produced a marked improvement because I got distracted.
Oh, I was so angry yesterday. I was tweeting and shouting and ranting about it to everyone. I think I came across as both incompetent and mad. Which isn't an image I usually try to cultivate. It began in lecture, because it irritates me that I always have to wake my housemates up. If I don't do this, they don't get up, and I go to lectures on my own, which is annoying. But even when they're there, it's annoying. It stresses me out so much when I'm taking notes, and the other person is asleep, and will later use my notes to revise from. It's so so stupid. (None of the things listed, incidentally, are helped by the fact that I'm a horribly intolerant person.)
Anyway, then I just got really really angry with my housemate. And was listing on a piece of paper (I need to write things down, I think there's a word for that kind of person, apart from OCD I mean) and it got to being a really petty and horrible long list. I feel embarrased about it, but they are things that annoy me alot, it wasn't just spur of the moment. I dont' know whether that makes it better or worse. Stuff like her hair always annoys me. How she never gets it into any particular style. And it's a dirty blonde that I don't like, and it's all flicky and stupid. Arghh. It really drives me crazy. It's so stupid.
I really am such a horrible person.

want.

overblog?

I think I go through phases of blogging. You can definitely underblog, but can you overblog? I keep meaning to watch skins from Thursday, but it seems like a lot of effort.
I convinced my housemate to buy his mum a mother's day card today. It felt like a tiny little good deed.
I'm completely addicted to My So Called Life. I'm at the end of the first season now. The new English teacher played Terence, the President's brother in Prison Break. I think, anyway. It's a little while since I've seen Prison Break. Also, I'm not watching it right now, so I can't say for sure that that's the case. But I'm pretty certain.

I'm watching this crazy program on bbciplayer about these 18 girls from Boston who made a pact to get pregnant. I'm not sure whether this was reported much in the news, or whether it's just a symptom of the uni bubble I sometimes end up in.

Well, when I wrote this it was Saturday afternoon. Now it's Monday evening. We had such a lovely time over the weekend. I must sound like I have no life, because whenever I blog, I'm watching something on the internet. But I really don't spend all of my time watching tv.
Though, for now, I am watching Marie Antoinette. I love this film so much. Every scene is like a piece of art. Sofia Coppola is so talented. And I pretty much obsess over any film Kirsten Dunst is in. So it's the perfect film for me.

I've said hardly any words today. I said hello to my housemate, and I said to another 'yeah, fine', and to another 'no, she's not funny'. That's a pretty quiet day for me.
I skipped lecture to go for a walk through this woodland path where there are so many daffodils :) Then it winds up through the university gardens and you can see the main building, which is a 19th century beauty. Really quite something. Then I went wandering through the streets listening to my iPod. It was playing a playlist that the Genius tool created. I really do like that function of iTunes. The song I gave it was Good Arms vs Bad Arms by Frightened Rabbit, and it put all sorts of really lovely songs together; some Bon Iver, some Fleet Foxes, Animal Collective, Grizzly Bear, The Most Serene Republic, that sort of thing. It was lovely to walk to on a sunny, windy day.

Then I walked to a few streets behind my house, where there's a beautiful church, with a small garden, and opposite it, a smallish tussocky hill. The path winds up and round, and when you get to the top you can see the sea, and a large island a few miles away. I have to admit to taking rather alot of photos, although most of them weren't of myself. Someone had had a barbecue on the top, and had left bottles and cans and charcoal, but I didn't mind, it made me feel nice actually (usually I'm a bit of an environent nazi) because it made me feel like that spot was a place where nice, fun things happen. It gave it a nice energy. Or something less hippy-y.
Anyway, it was lovely. I might add to this later. Actually I'm certain I will. But for now, post!

for sure

I definitely shouldn't over simplify people as much as I do. Bad girl.

The boy kissed my hand and it was nice. Meaningless, but nice.
Claire Danes is lovely. Molly is so nice.
Let's try and be nicer to people, shall we?

I'm watching My So Called Life on youtube. I'm pretty impressed I found it. I'm also eating toast with pâte. And I'm drinking coffee. I'm trying to stay awake for the evening so that I'm tired at about 1 or 2, so I can sleep like a normal person for once, instead of at 6 or 7.
Coffee tastes like sin when it's cold. You should probably drink it while it's almost too painful to swallow. That's the best way.
St Patrick's Day. Lots of people dressed in green. The weather was beautiful. Everyone was walking around in flipflops and vests. They were wearing other things as well. I was dying to go to the beach, but in the end it got quite late, and then nobody wanted to have a beach fire so we ended up not going. I hate days like that.
There's this girl in my lectures who always comes in late, and her hair is always wet. I always think it must be nice for her when it rains in the morning, because then everybody has wet hair and nobody can tell the difference. I think she's brave, sort of, because I wouldn't have a shower if it meant I had to walk in to college with soaking wet hair. I'd just spray dry shampoo in it and backcomb it a bit. Or just generally scrag it around so it looked messy but not greasy. I think that might make me gross?
I should let my hair dry naturally more often. I actually like it better that way, it just takes longer. I might start getting up earlier so I can let it do that.

I love this photo so much. I found it on a blog full of photos. I think it was called funeral something. There was a heart next to it. I think they look really nice. I love the way she's standing. And her turned out arm. But they don't seem matched. I don't know.

It might be nice to have a routine like that in the morning. Sitting in bed with the news and coffee while my hair slowly dries. Nicer than my current one anyway. It isn't exactly rushed, usually. It's just very.... efficient.
I like Alan Bennet quite alot. I've been to four funerals. I wonder if that's alot. Three were funerals of the older people though. So maybe that doesn't make it horrific.
The worst thing that happened to me today was that I stood in juice from the bin. My housemate was taking it out and it kept bashing against the counter as we tried to clumsily and inexpertly scrape the crumbs and gross bits off the counter in to it. And I didn't notice it had dripped on the floor. And I was only wearing tights, so I have rubbish juice all over my feet. The thought makes me feel a bit sick.
I think I might be really judgemental. I mean, I know I am. But I'm worried that I dismiss people as being too simple and generic and dull. Not that simple = generic and dull (I think it's worrying that I associate the two, as if not being complicated is a bad thing. Or is anyone uncomplicated? I can't even tell). Like my friend; her and her boyfriend are really loved up, an they've been together for an age, since before I knew her. And I always just dismiss them as dull and boring and steady and together, because of the length of their relationship (apart from that, I put both of them down separately, I think, which is so so wrong). But I forget, sometimes, that they're real people and their relationship has real issues in it. Today she's cross with him because he got weird on her for no reason. And I sort of thought, wow, they're not set in stone. And I make it pretty clear that I don't entertain the idea they'll break up, but I wonder if that's annoying to them. I can't tell. I think I find it really really hard to tell how similar the thoughts of others are to mine. Maybe I have a poor Theory of Mind. Anyway, it just struck me today how I shouldn't view everyone else in the way that I do. God, I have no idea how to understand myself.

I think the best thing about today has been getting a letter this morning. I really love post. It cheers me up alot. I like sending it, receiving it, creating it, seeing other peoples'. It came all the way from Botswana. I like to think it smelled exotic. It had the feather of a guineafowl in. It's spotty and the softest feather I've ever seen. /touched, I suppose. Oh! Another lovely thing that happened was making a banner for my housemate coming home. He'd been at his mum's for a long weekend and it said: Welcome Home Craig!!! In rainbow letters. It wasn't amazing; just felt tip writing on lots of A4 paper. But I like to think it made him happy. It made me feel nice to make it anyway.

I can't remember if I saw this photo as a polaroid or made it into one. Colour is alive.

I also really loved making Toby an origami crane from a leaflet about cheap deals at a bar that was in our lecture theatre. It made him grin. I definitely won the 'who can make the best present' game.
Again, I don't see where this is going. I'm not great at rounding off I suppose. Maybe I should end with a thought for the day or something.
Ok.... thought for the day.... if you're a girl, don't pull the puppy dog eyes on a guy, just because you can, and just because you have no real wit, intelligence, or arguing skills with which to persuade. Puppy dog eyes are lame. And if you're a guy, you shouldn't take it. Whatever.
Over and out.

i'm fine

take a look

I love the internet because it gives me things like these to look at.
I think they make my life a little better.

I'm not exactly sure how to update today, but I feel compelled to do so. My hands feel a very long way from my body, which is making my arms seem millions of miles long. It's peculiar. But I always try to retain the feeling for as long as possible when it happens.
Things that I have done/have happened this month:
it became March
became alot more obsessed with the internet than I already was; twitter, dailybooth, youtube etc
my friend was on the verge of killing himself and told me I didn't care
bought my father's birthday present
called the samaritans
cooked from scratch
invested in the first seasons of nip/tuck and six feet under, no less
not dressed for four days straight
not eaten for five days straight
hurt myself physically
hurt someone else emotionally
done some work (!)
failed an exam
lost one legwarmer in the centre of town somewhere

I'm really not sure where this list is getting me. There are alot of beautiful people on youtube, like mememolly and catrific. But thankfully there are ugly people also. Probably shouldn't name those.
But beautiful people can be quite demoralising. Though perhaps their videos make up for that by being moralising. Moralising?
I really want to eat something. I want to be a better person and not have to have another counselling session. I want to do well in life and not have to be alive when the 12th April comes around. I don't want to have to work all through Easter because I'm skint, and I don't want to be craving junk food right now.
I want to be better at yoga, and have more patience.
I would really really love to like myself. And it would be pretty fantastic if someone loved me.
Whinge moan whinge.
This is going nowhere.

So it's now the 2nd of March. The months are completely flying by, it's catching me off guard a little. And exam time is round again already! Revising for the midterms is killing me. But it does mean that all the things I usually put off doing get done. Like tidying my room, and sewing things that need to be sewed.
I went to my appointment with the counsellor. It was a bit burn. I mean, it was probably good to go, because at least now I know what it's like. But I didn't enjoy it. Maybe you aren't supposed to. Alot of things that are good for you aren't enjoyable. Like broccoli. I didn't like explaining all the stupid stuff in my head. And I wasn't keen on her overly therapist-y questions. There was alot of head nodding and conclusion drawing and strangeness of phrase. She was nice, it just... didn't sit right with me somehow.
going. He can't nag at me now. Although the fact that I've now been to see three mental health professionals and am still in absolutely the same position is pretty depressing. Which isn't a brilliant thing for a depressed person to feel, to be honest. Ugh, that word.I'm not sure.
Anyway, it hardly matters because they don't have any appointment slots available.
She suggested that I have a freezing cold shower instead of cutting myself, because apparently it's a similar shock to your skin's nerves. We'll see.
At least it got Tom off my back by going.
Although that in itself is strange. He thinks he's in love with me, and all sorts of weird stuff like that. Sometimes it's nice and comforting that someone cares (or thinks he cares, I cant' really work it out) so much about me, but sometimes it's frustrating that our friendship is coloured by his feelings. I can't work that one out.




Brighter things; I completely love Emily and Naomi on Skins. They seem so sweet and innocent and fragile. It's beautiful. I keep watching all those weird videos on youtube that people put together, and taking screen shots of the scene where they're riding their bikes (I downloaded the song that plays in the background too). Though I think most of the youtubers making vids about them are overly focused on the lesbian thing. Which is a bit irritating.
I'm becoming overly preoccupied by twitter and dailybooth. I love how instant everything is. And frequent. Not like blogs and videos. And facebook's too... I don't know. There's something really appealing about twitter and dailybooth anyway.
Ugh. I should probably get some sleep, or revise, or do something constructive, instead of talking to no one about nothing.
I hate that we have no gas and no toilet paper. Hmph.
la la la laaaaaaaaaaaa..

ps - I'm really happy because I just noticed mememolly posted a new blog :)
also, I'm pleased with myself because I remembered to put the bin out tonight (well I remembered to ask Leon to do it, because I can't drag the bin up the stairs because it's too heavy) so we didn't have to play the 'quick hide our rubbish in bins all around the town because we forgot to put it out last week and now have too much' game.
:)