I posted this on 30th November 2007:

I miss my best friend so much. Shes so lovely. And I loathe that i never realised how similar we are, before. We met in high school in about year 8, and we've grown up together, but not only that, we've grown together really. like, intertwined. EVen though we don't dress the same or necessariy like the same music, all the important things are in sync. We love each other and i miss her so much!!!! I spoke to her tonight on an instant messaging thing, and I really really want her to be here right now. I want to be drinking cosmopolitans with her, all dressed up in a pretentious bar in london.
God. Uni is amazing, but I'm not really that close with my mates yet. It's still a bit... like, explain what you mean sort of friendship, not like, thinking the same thing simulaeously friendship.
And as my housemate Mr R pointed out so very kindly, me and my boyfriend are more like fuckbuddies.
Thankyou so much Mr R.
I suppose I just miss being extremely close with someone. I miss my best friend.

Now I miss her because she isn't here anymore. I'm still at uni (well, I'm at home this weekend), and I still miss her. But it's so much worse now.
It scares me that I don't cry every day. And I hate that people sort of...forget. And I can't stand it when people get upset about death or grief, even though they have every right, and should be upset if they need to be. I hate it because I feel like I need it more. I feel like I knew the best person in the world, and now I don't have her anymore. So why the fuck should they be allowed to be upset?
I hate it. I hate what I wrote about us thinking the same thing simultaneously. Because now where does that leave me? It's like I'm a jigsaw with a bit missing. I always want to turn around and just give her a look, because she would know exactly what it meant and who I was referring to. We could almost telepathically bitch about people.
And no one gets it. And I hate anyone who pretends to.
So apparently grief fills you with hate for the whole world.

Today the dvd of what they filmed of my best friend's memorial show arrived through the letterbox. Somehow don't think I'll be watching that one anytime soon.

Barack Obama won the presidential election at 6am this morning. Thank God :)
I'm going home tomorrow to see my boy.
All my exams are finished now (apart from one which won't be for two weeks).
AND I'm getting my hair cut on friday!
Everything is nice. Except my cat has had all her teeth taken out :(
Let's stay happy, world.

ebay shoes and boys :)

I am not single anymore. Boyfriend who is now boyfriend again made a U turn. and my FIT ebay trainers arrived! Although because i'm incompetent I had them posted to my home address. So I suppose it's a good job I'm going home!!! At the weekend. To see the boy. Lovely lovely lovely :) I know I'm a doormat, and I have incurred the wrath of my friend for it. But I love him. And as long as everything is happy, I'm ok. So yus! I win. :)

i would like a red ribbon to tie in my hair

It makes me sad when the boy I'm in love with says we can't be together anymore because he can't handle me being at uni.
It makes me compulsively ebay, and watch huge amounts of mememolly videos.
I love Brett Easton Ellis. And Animal Collective. I like things that remind me of him, but they do sort of shoot bullets through me.
I can't wait until these completely amazing trainers get posted to me. Ditto the cute black pinafore.
I might stop eating.

mememolly

I think I love this girl. How have I only just found her blog and youtube account?

http://memememolly.blogspot.com/

uni life

So. I'm back at uni. Have been for a month. Being without he boy is difficult. Being without friends is difficult. Particularly since the events of April.
The course is more work but that's fine. I think I just need to socialise with everyone more. It's just it's so difficult to connect with people now. Maybe everyone feels like that. Or maybe it's just me.
I do need to make more of an effort. My friend (ex boyfriend also) thinks I need to have counselling. Or have a course of antidepressants. But I find that thought too scary.
I will resolve to try harder though.
I'm sat in a computer lab, almost entirely alone apart from one person. It's quite nice. it's starting to get cold outside which is nice too.
Sometimes I worry if my boyfriend is just with me for sex. If he even misses me. Why hasnt' he visited me yet?
Maybe he'll finish it. I'll keep the receipt for his christmas present.