mememolly

I think I love this girl. How have I only just found her blog and youtube account?

http://memememolly.blogspot.com/

uni life

So. I'm back at uni. Have been for a month. Being without he boy is difficult. Being without friends is difficult. Particularly since the events of April.
The course is more work but that's fine. I think I just need to socialise with everyone more. It's just it's so difficult to connect with people now. Maybe everyone feels like that. Or maybe it's just me.
I do need to make more of an effort. My friend (ex boyfriend also) thinks I need to have counselling. Or have a course of antidepressants. But I find that thought too scary.
I will resolve to try harder though.
I'm sat in a computer lab, almost entirely alone apart from one person. It's quite nice. it's starting to get cold outside which is nice too.
Sometimes I worry if my boyfriend is just with me for sex. If he even misses me. Why hasnt' he visited me yet?
Maybe he'll finish it. I'll keep the receipt for his christmas present.

I've been sat in my house crying for most of the day. I don't want to return to uni. I'm scared of not being around my very close group. I've come to rely on them even more of late. Also, my boyfriend didn't want to see me tonight, or tomorrow. So today was the last time i'll see him for about 3 weeks. It was extremely underwhelming, as goodbyes go. 

If he doesn't want to see me, I should just let him do what he likes. Why am I obsessing over this?

What if the morning after pill doesn't work? Then my head will be truly fucked, and they'll have to cart me off to the funny farm stuffed full of pills with huge rolls of bandages ready for when I savage my arms.

I'm so mentally healthy.

I'm scared I might be losing my mind. My boyfriend's asleep, lying beside me. He's beautiful. He actually resembles a Raphaelian angel in some lights. I really am punching above my weight with this one. I'm getting a bed to take to uni. It's a futon. It looks really lovely. 

What if I go crazy? Will my boyfriend love me? Or will I technically not be the same person, so he's allowed to not love be because I'm different. His arm's curled protectively round my waste as I type, laptop resting on the knees of my crossed legs. But he can't stop my mind imploding. I want so much to curl up in his safe warmth, but when he isn't conscious, it's like it isn't him I'm cuddled up to. I don't know. It makes me feel more alone. And that makes my head worse. How do you fix that?

No weed was brought. It's a shame, because I could do with muddling my thinking a bit. Although maybe it's good. Perhaps weed isn't good for a fucked up head.

I really hope my boyfriend brings some weed over tonight. I'm currently sat at my desk in my room with a cup of hot chocolate (the good kind, made with milk, not water) and a kitkat. I'm just waiting for Boy to come round really. It's not exactly been the most productive day. I went to the doctor, then the pharmacy, and then to my best friend's grave where I had a bit of a sob.

Since then it's been reading and writing. 

I'm back off to uni soon. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I sort of want to be busy with lectures and friends and stuff again; since I go back a week after everyone else it's been quiet for the last few days. But I'm scared of leaving my boyfriend. And I don't want to go back and not be around my friends all the time - home friends that is. I don't know. I'm a very confused individual. 

Sometimes I just want to admit myself to a hospital and let doctors and psychiatrists look after me. 

This feels really strange. I'm sat at my desk, in my bedroom. I just got off the phone to the local doctor's surgery. I'm going in to get the morning after pill. I've never taken it before, but last night the condom broke when me and the boy were doing the hawaiian. 

It felt so strange last night. I was really really high, and all I could think of was that his sperm had burrowed into my egg, and was growing and growing. I had this awful paranoia that I'd wake up in the morning with a 9 month foetus falling out of me. 

Why does this feel like such a huge thing? It's not like I'm waiting for an abortion or anything.