presents

lovely pressies ♥

Today is a better day. I have bought my best friend's little sister a really cool pair of warm looking paul frank slippers, and I picked up a dvd that I'd already paid for and bought my housemate a calender of Johnny Depp who she adores to the point of obsession (we're doing Secret Santa this year). A present I ordered for another friend (Eagle vs Shark) arrived in the post, and I ordered a cute new jacket and scarf online. I also finally got the courage to take back a present I'd bought for my boyfriend, and used the money to buy Benefit Beautiful Eyes :)
I'd bought him The Life Acquatic on dvd, a book called No one else belongs here more than you by Miranda July (who he adores), a hat (which I returned) and a soap dispenser in the shape of a cow (he's a bit ocd about washing his hands, plus he's moving into a new flat soon, so it was a sort of housewarming christmas present.)
Anyway, he'd have really loved his presents is essentially what I'm saying. And since he's still being a twat to me even though we're finished, I decided I'd prefer to have a present instead of him. I'm keeping the book and the dvd, but the cow soap was a very personal thing so I might just chuck it in with his stuff when I give him it all at Christmas.
I also had lunch with a friend and printed some lecture notes! All in all it's been quite a good day.
And it's been sunny. What more could a girl want? Lovely lovely day. Christmas shopping is really pleasing me at the moment.

confused

I have a stupid assignment in for tomorrow. I've written it, mostly. But I'll have to cut out a lot of words.
I don't feel as terrible as I thought I might, about the breakup. I think it's because it happened already. I feel more mixed and confused than upset. And I don't think that's even because of Him. I think it's a combination of stuff. I don't know. My friend keeps going on at me to go to the doctors or to a counsellor at uni.
I sort of think I might. I'm so tired of feeling like my head has been crammed full of wet, swirling air. And no one ever understands how I feel. Although it's difficult to tell whether this is due to my own inarticulation, or because no one else feels like this.
Either way, I really really fancy being stuffed full of pills right now. I just want it to go away.
I'm lying in bed watching Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe on youtube. He's so fantastic. I can't get enough of him. So so funny. And it blocks out all the shit that's in my head, which is really appreciated. Especially at 2am.
What a God-like genius he truly is. Speaking of God,
Richard Dawkins is just fantastic. Every person with a brain should have a book owned by him on their bookshelf.
I'm quite tired. Hopefully sleep will come to me soon. And I won't wake up dreaming of the Boy, and feeling sick from it.
Hopefully things will seem brighter tomorrow. And I'll be able to not be a confused mess of conflicting hormones and emotions. Maybe tomorrow I'll go a whole day without having to explain myself 8 times because my thoughts are so abstract.

relationhip status:

Single. Again.

boyspeak

What does 'There's a problem' mean?

I’m sat in the computer lab watching a programme about mental illness. Last night I told my friend that sometimes I hurt myself.
My boyfriend keeps telling me to come and see him because he misses me and it’s too hard without me, but he won’t come and see me, despite having numerous hours of free time on his hands.
I don’t understand that.
I really, really would like a chocolate bar right about now.
There’s always so much I want to say, and never enough space for all the thoughts to be around and spill out properly in a coherent and competent way.
I think I want to make my boyfriend a dot to dot picture for Christmas, but I’m not sure what I’d like it to be of.
I don’t even know if we’ll be together at Christmas, because he finds it ‘so difficult’ being away from me. Bollocks.
Why can’t he just love me? Why is it so difficult? I just want to eat and eat and eat. But then I’ll just get fatter and he’ll finish me for being a blimp. ARGHHHH. Could this life be any worse?

Hmm. It's very possible that I'm in an entirely dysfunctional relationship.
Last night I had a sort of argument (can you argue over text?) with my boyfriend about the fact that I couldn't visit him (this is despite the fact that he never ever visits me) and then it sort of came about that he ended up threatening that he might finish with me.
So then this morning I gave in and told him I would visit.
But then later on today, I said to him 'You don't love me, do you.' Not in a mardy way; we were having a nice conversation. Anyway, he answered, and he said 'To be honest, no I don't think I do'.
Which was a bit of a shock to the system.
It's meant I've been in a huge sort of painful fuggy cloud all day. But I think I might be ok with it now. It's ok that he doesn't love me isn't it? I mean, if I'm ok with it, it's not a bad thing?
I hope not.
I'm going to see him soon anyway. So I hope everything will be ok.
Mmm going for tea with my housemates tonight. Hopefully that will take my mind off it, and also please my tummy.
Then I will go home and have drinkies, and put ribbons in my hair and dance madly.
Please please please please love me one day.