Hello, world

I feel like my life is a big fat mess right now. Part of me knows I'm being a bit stupid, because I have just about the biggest safety net I could have, in terms of my parents, and I'm probably going to graduate university with at least a pretty alright degree.
But I just have no idea what to do with my life, and this feeling of having no path to follow is so scary, and lonely and it freaks me out a little bit. My whole life has been a bit of a no-brainer up until now. School was really easy for me, then sixth form was alright. I always knew I'd do A-levels. And I always knew that after that I'd go to uni. But that's where the plan finishes and I have to actually do some soul-searching figure out what I want.
And I'm pretty hopeless at knowing what I want. Apparently I'm someone that lies to themselves and doesn't ever think about the important things. Even when I think about them, I'm only surface thinking.
So I'm not sure how to get past that.
I'm driving myself crazy. I really hope I get some inspiration pretty soon, because this year is going to fly by, and I need to sort it, like now.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I'm falling asleep at my desk at work. Didn't sleep until about half past six and I was up at ten past eight. Urgh. It's my own fault for napping. but it was a fantastic nap. I think it was almost worth it. And I'm going to buy a dinosaur lamp for my room. Not a lamp with dinosaurs on. A 3D dinosaur-shaped lamp, which the bulb goes inside. I want the diplodocus.
Today it's cold and rainy, which is mildly upsetting, but I have very voluminous hair, which is cheerier. I also have inexplicably dirty fingernails. I want today to go quiiiiickly so I can climb into bed and watch rubbish tv.

Yesterday I found out my ex-boyfriend's mum died a few days ago while he was on holiday. I didn't like her much. And I hate him. But it's sad, and I wish I could communicate to him that I am. But us talking doesn't work.
Brilliant week. I love road trips and sun. But I'm covered in bruises. Laminate laminate.

http://wellknowwhenwegetthere.blogspot.com/2009/08/sincerely-john-hughes.html

I found this.

The Longest Way 1.0 - one year walk/beard grow time lapse from Christoph Rehage on Vimeo.

pop the question

Very early on Sunday morning I was lying on my bed, texting a few friends, watching some youtube videos, la la la. My ex boyfriend was texting me a bit. Just to include the back story, we got together in fresher's week in my first, and his third year of uni. We lasted about 4 months, until he finished me. And that was about 18 months ago. Because he was at work (he's on nights right now) and was trying to get stuff done, he called me for a bit, instead of texting.
Chat chat chat, very nice. Then he says 'Can I tell you something?' This sort of sentence is the kind that fills me with dread. 'Yeah, course' is what I answer, but I'm already anxious about what's coming.
'You know we were planning that holiday?' He's referring to a pie-in-the-sky flight of fancy we had to go away together in June. It never materialised.
'Yeah'.
'Well, while we were there, I was planning to propose.'
'................................................propose..........marriage?'
'Yeah.'
'..........................Okay.......................'
I know. And, maybe you think this sounds strange and unexpected because you don't know the details. If you think that, you're wrong. This is exactly as strange and unexpected as it sounds. I was, quite literally, speechless.
He proceeded to tell me about how he'd picked out, with the help of a friend, and bought, a ring, and that he'd planned what to say, and where to do it. He also told me that he thought I'd probably say no, but that, in any case, he wanted me to know how much he cares for me.
This is a guy, who said he could never marry, because marriage is a sacred covenant between the couple and God, and he could never trust another person not to break the promise they'd both made to Him. This is a guy who finished with me because he said we wanted different things and therefore we had no future. A guy who slept with, and went out with someone else, barely weeks after we broke up.
Needless to say, I am still recovering from this news.... I think the only way I can come to terms with this is to compulsively ebay.

I love my friends :)

JP: I am with pugchick LOL
Me: Who the fuck is pugchick? Are you battered?x
JP: YRSSSSSD?
Me: ...right...
JP: Txt me in he morinjhg x
Me: Ha. Like you'll be up in the morning. You're cunted x
JP: Hidnis trueb. I love you ,,+
Me: I love you too you big manslag :) xxxx

I love it when musicians merge one song into another. Like Israel when he does 'Somewhere over the rainbow' and then it turns into 'What a wonderful world', and back again. I just heard it on Mission District's cover of 'Just dance', for a little bit it turned into 'Disturbia'.
I really like it :) It makes me feel clever. Ha.

I feel so frustrated. And not that way. Creatively. Or maybe, I'm not sure. I don't feel like I have the energy to be creative, but I'm desperate to be. And I spent money trying to encourage it. I spent a few hundred quid on new camera stuff a few months ago, and I've barely touched it.
I don't know.
I need to express myself somehow, because I can't talk to anybody. Maybe I'm making a big deal of nothing. I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time.
I'm watching Laputa Castle in the Sky. It just came yesterday in the post. I'm watching it dubbed, because I can't be bothered to follow the subtitles. Because I've got other windows open on the computer. But it makes me feel like I'm cheating, viewing it in a way other than it was envisaged. Studio Ghibli music is familiar and comforting.
Another maddening thing is that I really miss my friend who's away. And I have this horrible niggling feeling that won't go away, that I like him. And.... more than in the way I should. I keep pushing the feeling away though. I love it when anime characters are startled, and their hair stands on end. It's fantastic :)


Ugh. I don't know. I miss him alot. But I'm not sure whether I miss him for him, or whether I miss him for what he does for me. Is that bad? I can't tell. Like.... I don't talk to him about things. But I feel like if I wanted to, I could, and it wouldn't be awful, like it can be with some people. And he's so easy to be with. We don't have to be talking, or watching anything, or anywhere cool. We can just be. Oh, I really hope I'm not getting feelings for him again. It could go nowhere good. Really, he's the whole reason I first began watching anime films at all. Ugh. I'm so unoriginal. It's terrible, really.
On the upside, he's back in....5 days. So I've made it alot more than halfway. I can't even believe I'm talking about him like this.
At least, today, I like my hair cut more. Maybe it won't be a bad thing.

Oh hello, pretty dancing dew-bewjewelled flowers.

There's this guy who lives around the corner from me in this huge gothic mansion with his wife. They have meetings there cos they're a centre for a cult. They oppress women a bit - make them wear long skirts and cover their hair, and everyone does work in the garden.
And even though he's very strange and out of touch and eccentric; he doesn't half do it in style.

Spring clean :)

Soooo I had quite a nice weekend. I don't really remember Friday, so I assume it was good :) Though since Friday I've been missing my friend J alot because he's on holiday in Florida! He was complaining that nobody says Florida, and that they all say 'Florda'. But he's a bit like that. It's one of the things that makes me so fond of him, his strange little complaints.
On Saturday it was a gorrrrrgeous day, which it hasn't been for so long. Or that's what it seems like. I dithered for ages about what to do with it. I would have gone to the beach, but I was supposed to take my parents to the airport that night, and I couldn't be bothered to drive to the beach AND the airport, so I decided to go somewhere nice closer to home.
Me and J (the one who isn't in Florida) went to a massive park, and had a picnic. (I had sushi and mango, she had fried chicken and a nectarine. We're good girls for getting our five a day :) ) and we chilled out in the sun. It was fabby. We were watching this fair that was being held there, and all the little kiddies were singing along with this guy who was mic'd up, and it was sweet. There were millions of dogs too, including these crazy spaniels who all looked idental and were mad for this ball.
Then we drove around the corner to Argos to pick up a shelving unit that I'd reserved online. I wasn't sure about whether I liked it or not, but I needed something to house my dvds anyway, so bought it. Then we went for a drive around the moors near my house, which are stunning, and so easy to love when it's beautiful weather. We were trying to find my friend's memorial tree (it was only recently planted) but we had no luck. But we did see two signs advertising puppies for sale, which was good because J wants a puppy.
Aaaaaany way. I put the shelves together!! I was so pleased with myself. It took two kinds of screws, one sort of locking screw and two kinds of dowels! It looks really nice, and I can't believe it hasn't always been there now. Also, tidying and moving stuff to make room for the shelves forced me to tidy up my entire desk area. Which makes me feel really calm and relaxed for some reason. I really love it when everything's ordered :)
Though this niceness was followed by a huuuuuge argument with my mum, which culminated in her throwing 16 dvds at me. Fun times. But they're on holiday now so I have the house to myself :)
I like it this way. I like being housewifey. Doing the washing up, opening the curtains in the morning (or when I get up) locking up at night, having the whole house as my own personal space. It's lovely.
I'm so tired. Two hours sleep, and I have 3 hours of work left. Sob.
I'm going to go and make 101 cups of coffee now .............

image:http://www.weheartit.com/entry/598919

adrift

I feel strange :/
Like I'm floating away, untethered.

I don't like it. At least, not right now I don't.

image courtesy of weheartit.com / that unreliable girl.blogspot.com

I think the differences between people are so interesting. For example, today I'm at work (summer job) I work in a shop that sells alot of fabric, and my two colleagues were drooling over a new tape measure that one of them had bought. I couldn't have told it apart from any other tape measure, but because they measure alot of fabric, they've created their own sort of little subculture. It's so interesting!
And at the same time, they are two completely different people. While flicking through a new fabric book which just came in, L was swooning over the different designs, and at how beautiful some of the material was. Whereas T looked at the pages with a completely different eye. He was working out the profit margins and trying to estimate which would be most popular and therefore generate the most business.
Ohh I just love watching people :)

Yesterday I was on my way home, and decided on a whim to turn right down a small country road. It wound round and round and up and away and then I came out of the trees and was next to the reservoir. And the sun had set. And it was beautiful :)

And then I hung out with a couple of friends for a while. We watched films and played video games, and we looked out of the window and it was getting light, so we climbed a big hill near our houses and watched the sun rise :)

Long day. Nice day :)

God, I love Bob Marley

So, it's July. Gawd, summer is going super fast. I can't believe I just missed another year of Benicassim. Unbelievable. I really have to make it next year. Actually plan my summer and book the ticket.
That isn't to say I'm not having a good time, it's just Beni is something I've wanted to do for aaaaaaaages, and I want to go while I'm still a relatively carefree student.
That being said, I'm not sure how I've actually been spending my time. Time sort of seems like it's evaporated away.
I've spent most days with two friends called J and J. They live really close, so when I'm tossing and turning at 3am they're easy to visit. Sometimes we watch movies, or go out dancing, but mostly we drive around and find beautiful spots and sit and smoke as the black sky gives way to dawn. It doesn't sound much but it really is lovely. And of course I've been catching up with everyone else, and trying to arrange to see my uni friends. Though that never seems to go brilliantly because everyone's so tied up.
Actually, it's been quite strange to see one of the Js. We used to be very good friends, and er.. a bit more than friends. But it wasn't good for either of us. We sort of... aggravated each others' problems and emotions and things. And in the end we just ended up not seeing each other. Whenever we met, we'd awkwardly look away. It wasn't great at all. But at the party of a mutual friend, we chatted a little, and while we were both at uni we spoke infrequently. Now we're home and it's been really nice to have someone so nearby who I just get on with so well. It's so familiar and easy. It makes me think how stupid I was to ever ruin such a relationship with a physical side. It just isn't worth it in alot of cases.
The weather's been a bit rubbish, so I haven't been camping as much as I'd like, and I've only been to the beach once :( But I'm hopeful. All it takes it one nice day!
Anyway, I'm suuuuuuuure the weather will be lovely in Greece. Me and my friend (one of the Js) just booked a holiday in Kefalonia at the end of August which should be alot of fun. I can't wait to see it, because I loved reading Captain Correli's Mandolin, and even though I didn't hear great things about the film, the scenery received nothing but praise.

Picture from http://corwood.tumblr.com/.

Something amazing happened. My macbook got repaired! I was so so pleased. It was being a dick for a little while, but then it finally packed in and the harddrive imploded. I hate being without it when it's being fixed, but then it always works like it's brand new again, and it's lovely :) I'm shopping for a new bag for it so I can look after it a bit better in future. I quite like this one. It's quite dinky. Maybe not the pink though.
I'd better get back to work anyway. Hopefully we're going to go to the Lake District this evening and find some Stonehenge-esque circles and dance with hippies :)

I have inky fingers; it's nice. When I lie on my front, on my elbows, my ears hear poorly, and when I stand, from this position, I get the worst kind of headache.
I'm watching a film called Benny and Joon, with Johnny Depp in. It reminds me a little of What's Eating Gilbert Grape, but maybe that's just because of the mental health overtones.
I can smell steak, and I want to walk by the canal, and never worry about whether I'm normal or not. I want somebody to love me again, I want not to like the boy that I like. I want a job that I enjoy and I want a good degree.
I want a tattoo of a semicolon.
I like finding pictures on weheartit.com and saving them. Some of them are really lovely.
Fantasy isn't good enough.
I want my best friend.
\

Hello!

I'm in London with my friend Jemma. I'm absolutely hammered which is just lovely, and we're going to a barbecue soon. I left my suitcase in the pub where we got drunk, but it's okay, because our friend is going to pick it up for me. I love my tattoo. I love that it makes me think of her, and I'm having a nice time. It feels like it brings her along. You probably don't know what I'm talking about. I don't care.
It's hot, and London is still lovely, and my dress is nice. And having been on a train makes me happy. Travel travel :)
Today is good, and the days to follow should be good also. So here's to goodness ..

I think I had a panic attack today. I woke up at about 5 and I couldn't breathe and was shaking and crying. I had to sit on the floor and try and chill myself out. Scary.

Last night was lovely. Candles and blankets and a warm breeze in the garden. Skinned up lots. Lovely housemates. It was lovely lovely lovely.
Oh, and the boys tried to steal a bench.
:)
I love my friends.
The new therapist is nicer than the old one.

I've been doing some work, which is good. But it's a bit harder than I had previously imagined, which isn't good. I think I need to organise a meeting with my project supervisor.
The boy I like called me yesterday, I have lots of clothes coming on Tuesday in the post, the garden's had a makeover, and I have the house to myself. These are all really good things. I need to make myself do some work so that I can go home at the weekend and go to this party that's important to me, and maybe see the Boy :)
I'm watching anime and eating marmite on toast to help me stay sane. good tactic, actually.
I have no idea what I've been up to since I last posted. Mostly because I can't remember when I last posted. I think it was mostly just Easter stuff. I was home, worked for two weeks, saw friends and got drunk. The last week the Boy spent a week at mine while my parents were away. We got high alot and had many lovely talks, food, and hugs.
OH. Something else which is really good that I'd forgotten, I have printer ink! :)
This is the most retarded post.
But I don't care because I need to dooo things.

life metaphor?

Oh my head. oh dear. strongbow is not a friend of my head right now. I met up with a load of people I haven't seen in aaaaaages though. Very nice. Very good. Yes.
The sun isn't shining anymore, but it's still temperate and lovely. I'm going to go to my friend's now. Such a lovely boy. I'll sleep and doze and play with his cats and then go to a partee.
Nice times.

hummingbirds can't walk. racism part II

So, I'm not even sure how it began. But we had an argument about race in our house.
It definitely started out from one comment, but it's difficult to remember exactly what it was. I think one of the boys I live with made a jokey comment about how a girl I live with (we'll call her T-race-y - get it?) makes racist comments to her friend from home when she calls him. I'm pretty sure that was one of the starting things. Also, at some point, she said that she was glad another of our housemates wasn't black. Which I thought was really strange.
I'm not recounting this well.
Anyway, there were four housemates (including me) who were anti racism, and there were two expressing racist opinions. Although later, one of them decided that actually he wasn't racist, he just didn't like the big gangs that hang around in his city (whether they're white or not). So mostly it was just Tracey fighting her own corner.
It always really shocks me when I encounter racism. I don't live in a very multicultural area, so it isn't a topic that comes up often with alot of people I know. Whenever I have experienced it, it's really upset me and caught me off guard. And something I really hate is that you can really get on with someone well, and you think they're the loveliest person, but then you can find out this really awful part of them. And once you know, you can't ever look at them the same way, and you always feel a little bit uncomfortable.
How can a person be so lovely and seemingly normal and rational in every other aspect, but be ignorant and bigoted and essentially, just stupid. Because that's what racism is, it's just stupid.
The worst part about the whole thing (and it was pretty dire, I mean, I had to keep leaving the room because I got so angry and upset) was that her concluding argument was 'Well I don't have the facts, so I can't argue back, so I'm just going to leave'. She admitted that she didn't know any facts about levels of asylum and the percentage of immigrants in the country. But she didn't recognise, even after I pointed it out to her, that a lack of knowledge is exactly why she shouldn't have that opinion. She just kept saying 'well I'm allowed my opinion' but when that's what her opinion is, then I really don't think she should be allowed her own opinion.
The things she said were ridiculous and plentiful. Like, it isn't her fault that she's a racist because she lives in a white area, so she's never met a black person. So? I've never met an innuit, but I know they're human. They're no different to anybody else. How can she be so blindly stupid?
She didn't even understand stupidly simple ideas, like why it's worse for someone who isn't black to use the 'n' word than it is for a black person to use it. She couldn't understand why the historical significance of slavery and black oppression affects anything.
There's so much that she said that was wrong. Not just that she shouldn't have said it, because it's taboo, but that the things she stated were incorrect.
She was stupid, and ridiculous, and stubborn and blind. And I hate it. And I can't forget it.

you're more likely to have a heart attack in the morning. Racism part I

I heard this conversation today. It appalled me.
Lady A, was describing to Ladies B and C this piece of footage she'd seen on the tv. She said it was a muslim man cutting off the head of a soldier. I assume she meant that the soldier was western in appearance. I'm not sure why she imagined the assailant must be muslim. Because religion, as insane as it is, does not appear as a physical characteristic. What I must assume, is that she meant the man was an arab.
But it got worse. She started describing what they were doing before they murdered him, and was saying that they were shouting and talking to each other, 'in muslim'. In muslim??? Are you kidding? So you mean in Arabic then. Arghhhhhh!
I cannot articulate how much this stresses me out. Why is it, in her mind, okay to say 'muslim language' but not describe English as 'Christian language'? You don't have to be foreign to be muslim! It's a belief! Millions of Indians are Christian, for example! It's just an idea! It isn't something you're born with and must die with. For fuck's sake! I don't often use exclamation marks, but seriously. Does she not have a brain?
I realise how harsh and awful I sound, but it makes me really really upset that people don't even think through what they're saying, or what they've heard and are repeating.
They proceded to use extremist language. Lots of thems and theys. And were complaining about how minority groups get offended when fun is had at their expense. I for one do get irritated by the fact that Muslim groups do tend to overreact to things (for example when the cartoon of Mohammed was printed and all hell broke loose). Because lots of people poke fun at images of Jesus and stuff and no one bats an eyelid. Even when Jerry Springer the opera came out, no one threatened the lives of the people staging it.
So I do see the point that some groups do overreact more than others. However, they then started rationalising this opinion by saying that 'gays make fun of themselves'. Even if this is true (have they surveyed any homosexual populations?) why does that mean others can make fun of them?
Then they concluded by saying that essentially, they should just accept that people are going to have a pop, because they are in a minority.
Welcome, victims of torture, refugees, asylum seekers. You are in a minority. In Britain, this means we can make fun of you as much as we want, and you can't complain. Okay?
Jesus.
I really hate that I get on with these people. And in other situations they're perfectly agreeable, lovely people. It's just (as if just is the right word) if you're of another race that they become irrational and ridiculous.
God.
There is so much more that I could say on this issue. But I should sleep. So I can go to work and not be tired and lose my rag if more of this shit comes up.

So good to be home. Lovely bed, everything is clean, lots of food, always warm. Absolutely amazing.
Lovely friends, lovely money, lovely car :)
!!!!!
Stupid work, but stupid work = lovely money, which = Diana F+ camera !!
Twitter will help me through the working week anyway. Tweet tweet.
Sleep now. Or at least relax away from a screen.
Mmm wine.

I'm sat in my bed watching bbciplayer. I just got out of the shower so I'm all soggy, but it's nice because the house is warm. I'm not sure how, because it's never warm, but it is.
I love QI so much.
Did you know it was the Russians who invented serving meals in courses? It was made fashionable by the Ritz in Paris who introduced the option to have your meal served á la Russe.
God, Stephen, I love you. He makes me really really happy.
Oh I'm all hungover from being high. I'm being really slow and ploddy.
Bizarrely, I ate two jars of Lloyd Grossman pasta sauce last night. It was really really addictive, but then I thought I should stop, because I would quite like something to put on my pasta for the rest of the week.
I am such a geek. I adore Horizon programs. They're the ultimate if they feature Brian Cox
but they're usually always really good. I'm getting really happy about watching it later, I'm such a lame.
The living room smells so nice from last night. We didn't even hotbox it. Oh Mary Jane. I sound like such an idiot. I really do.
I'm glad I had a distraction though, because I was starting to get sad. And although obviously it doesn't always help when you're getting sad, to get off your face (whether it's drugs or alcohol or whatever) but on this occasion it produced a marked improvement because I got distracted.
Oh, I was so angry yesterday. I was tweeting and shouting and ranting about it to everyone. I think I came across as both incompetent and mad. Which isn't an image I usually try to cultivate. It began in lecture, because it irritates me that I always have to wake my housemates up. If I don't do this, they don't get up, and I go to lectures on my own, which is annoying. But even when they're there, it's annoying. It stresses me out so much when I'm taking notes, and the other person is asleep, and will later use my notes to revise from. It's so so stupid. (None of the things listed, incidentally, are helped by the fact that I'm a horribly intolerant person.)
Anyway, then I just got really really angry with my housemate. And was listing on a piece of paper (I need to write things down, I think there's a word for that kind of person, apart from OCD I mean) and it got to being a really petty and horrible long list. I feel embarrased about it, but they are things that annoy me alot, it wasn't just spur of the moment. I dont' know whether that makes it better or worse. Stuff like her hair always annoys me. How she never gets it into any particular style. And it's a dirty blonde that I don't like, and it's all flicky and stupid. Arghh. It really drives me crazy. It's so stupid.
I really am such a horrible person.

want.

overblog?

I think I go through phases of blogging. You can definitely underblog, but can you overblog? I keep meaning to watch skins from Thursday, but it seems like a lot of effort.
I convinced my housemate to buy his mum a mother's day card today. It felt like a tiny little good deed.
I'm completely addicted to My So Called Life. I'm at the end of the first season now. The new English teacher played Terence, the President's brother in Prison Break. I think, anyway. It's a little while since I've seen Prison Break. Also, I'm not watching it right now, so I can't say for sure that that's the case. But I'm pretty certain.

I'm watching this crazy program on bbciplayer about these 18 girls from Boston who made a pact to get pregnant. I'm not sure whether this was reported much in the news, or whether it's just a symptom of the uni bubble I sometimes end up in.

Well, when I wrote this it was Saturday afternoon. Now it's Monday evening. We had such a lovely time over the weekend. I must sound like I have no life, because whenever I blog, I'm watching something on the internet. But I really don't spend all of my time watching tv.
Though, for now, I am watching Marie Antoinette. I love this film so much. Every scene is like a piece of art. Sofia Coppola is so talented. And I pretty much obsess over any film Kirsten Dunst is in. So it's the perfect film for me.

I've said hardly any words today. I said hello to my housemate, and I said to another 'yeah, fine', and to another 'no, she's not funny'. That's a pretty quiet day for me.
I skipped lecture to go for a walk through this woodland path where there are so many daffodils :) Then it winds up through the university gardens and you can see the main building, which is a 19th century beauty. Really quite something. Then I went wandering through the streets listening to my iPod. It was playing a playlist that the Genius tool created. I really do like that function of iTunes. The song I gave it was Good Arms vs Bad Arms by Frightened Rabbit, and it put all sorts of really lovely songs together; some Bon Iver, some Fleet Foxes, Animal Collective, Grizzly Bear, The Most Serene Republic, that sort of thing. It was lovely to walk to on a sunny, windy day.

Then I walked to a few streets behind my house, where there's a beautiful church, with a small garden, and opposite it, a smallish tussocky hill. The path winds up and round, and when you get to the top you can see the sea, and a large island a few miles away. I have to admit to taking rather alot of photos, although most of them weren't of myself. Someone had had a barbecue on the top, and had left bottles and cans and charcoal, but I didn't mind, it made me feel nice actually (usually I'm a bit of an environent nazi) because it made me feel like that spot was a place where nice, fun things happen. It gave it a nice energy. Or something less hippy-y.
Anyway, it was lovely. I might add to this later. Actually I'm certain I will. But for now, post!

for sure

I definitely shouldn't over simplify people as much as I do. Bad girl.

The boy kissed my hand and it was nice. Meaningless, but nice.
Claire Danes is lovely. Molly is so nice.
Let's try and be nicer to people, shall we?

I'm watching My So Called Life on youtube. I'm pretty impressed I found it. I'm also eating toast with pâte. And I'm drinking coffee. I'm trying to stay awake for the evening so that I'm tired at about 1 or 2, so I can sleep like a normal person for once, instead of at 6 or 7.
Coffee tastes like sin when it's cold. You should probably drink it while it's almost too painful to swallow. That's the best way.
St Patrick's Day. Lots of people dressed in green. The weather was beautiful. Everyone was walking around in flipflops and vests. They were wearing other things as well. I was dying to go to the beach, but in the end it got quite late, and then nobody wanted to have a beach fire so we ended up not going. I hate days like that.
There's this girl in my lectures who always comes in late, and her hair is always wet. I always think it must be nice for her when it rains in the morning, because then everybody has wet hair and nobody can tell the difference. I think she's brave, sort of, because I wouldn't have a shower if it meant I had to walk in to college with soaking wet hair. I'd just spray dry shampoo in it and backcomb it a bit. Or just generally scrag it around so it looked messy but not greasy. I think that might make me gross?
I should let my hair dry naturally more often. I actually like it better that way, it just takes longer. I might start getting up earlier so I can let it do that.

I love this photo so much. I found it on a blog full of photos. I think it was called funeral something. There was a heart next to it. I think they look really nice. I love the way she's standing. And her turned out arm. But they don't seem matched. I don't know.

It might be nice to have a routine like that in the morning. Sitting in bed with the news and coffee while my hair slowly dries. Nicer than my current one anyway. It isn't exactly rushed, usually. It's just very.... efficient.
I like Alan Bennet quite alot. I've been to four funerals. I wonder if that's alot. Three were funerals of the older people though. So maybe that doesn't make it horrific.
The worst thing that happened to me today was that I stood in juice from the bin. My housemate was taking it out and it kept bashing against the counter as we tried to clumsily and inexpertly scrape the crumbs and gross bits off the counter in to it. And I didn't notice it had dripped on the floor. And I was only wearing tights, so I have rubbish juice all over my feet. The thought makes me feel a bit sick.
I think I might be really judgemental. I mean, I know I am. But I'm worried that I dismiss people as being too simple and generic and dull. Not that simple = generic and dull (I think it's worrying that I associate the two, as if not being complicated is a bad thing. Or is anyone uncomplicated? I can't even tell). Like my friend; her and her boyfriend are really loved up, an they've been together for an age, since before I knew her. And I always just dismiss them as dull and boring and steady and together, because of the length of their relationship (apart from that, I put both of them down separately, I think, which is so so wrong). But I forget, sometimes, that they're real people and their relationship has real issues in it. Today she's cross with him because he got weird on her for no reason. And I sort of thought, wow, they're not set in stone. And I make it pretty clear that I don't entertain the idea they'll break up, but I wonder if that's annoying to them. I can't tell. I think I find it really really hard to tell how similar the thoughts of others are to mine. Maybe I have a poor Theory of Mind. Anyway, it just struck me today how I shouldn't view everyone else in the way that I do. God, I have no idea how to understand myself.

I think the best thing about today has been getting a letter this morning. I really love post. It cheers me up alot. I like sending it, receiving it, creating it, seeing other peoples'. It came all the way from Botswana. I like to think it smelled exotic. It had the feather of a guineafowl in. It's spotty and the softest feather I've ever seen. /touched, I suppose. Oh! Another lovely thing that happened was making a banner for my housemate coming home. He'd been at his mum's for a long weekend and it said: Welcome Home Craig!!! In rainbow letters. It wasn't amazing; just felt tip writing on lots of A4 paper. But I like to think it made him happy. It made me feel nice to make it anyway.

I can't remember if I saw this photo as a polaroid or made it into one. Colour is alive.

I also really loved making Toby an origami crane from a leaflet about cheap deals at a bar that was in our lecture theatre. It made him grin. I definitely won the 'who can make the best present' game.
Again, I don't see where this is going. I'm not great at rounding off I suppose. Maybe I should end with a thought for the day or something.
Ok.... thought for the day.... if you're a girl, don't pull the puppy dog eyes on a guy, just because you can, and just because you have no real wit, intelligence, or arguing skills with which to persuade. Puppy dog eyes are lame. And if you're a guy, you shouldn't take it. Whatever.
Over and out.

i'm fine

take a look

I love the internet because it gives me things like these to look at.
I think they make my life a little better.

I'm not exactly sure how to update today, but I feel compelled to do so. My hands feel a very long way from my body, which is making my arms seem millions of miles long. It's peculiar. But I always try to retain the feeling for as long as possible when it happens.
Things that I have done/have happened this month:
it became March
became alot more obsessed with the internet than I already was; twitter, dailybooth, youtube etc
my friend was on the verge of killing himself and told me I didn't care
bought my father's birthday present
called the samaritans
cooked from scratch
invested in the first seasons of nip/tuck and six feet under, no less
not dressed for four days straight
not eaten for five days straight
hurt myself physically
hurt someone else emotionally
done some work (!)
failed an exam
lost one legwarmer in the centre of town somewhere

I'm really not sure where this list is getting me. There are alot of beautiful people on youtube, like mememolly and catrific. But thankfully there are ugly people also. Probably shouldn't name those.
But beautiful people can be quite demoralising. Though perhaps their videos make up for that by being moralising. Moralising?
I really want to eat something. I want to be a better person and not have to have another counselling session. I want to do well in life and not have to be alive when the 12th April comes around. I don't want to have to work all through Easter because I'm skint, and I don't want to be craving junk food right now.
I want to be better at yoga, and have more patience.
I would really really love to like myself. And it would be pretty fantastic if someone loved me.
Whinge moan whinge.
This is going nowhere.

So it's now the 2nd of March. The months are completely flying by, it's catching me off guard a little. And exam time is round again already! Revising for the midterms is killing me. But it does mean that all the things I usually put off doing get done. Like tidying my room, and sewing things that need to be sewed.
I went to my appointment with the counsellor. It was a bit burn. I mean, it was probably good to go, because at least now I know what it's like. But I didn't enjoy it. Maybe you aren't supposed to. Alot of things that are good for you aren't enjoyable. Like broccoli. I didn't like explaining all the stupid stuff in my head. And I wasn't keen on her overly therapist-y questions. There was alot of head nodding and conclusion drawing and strangeness of phrase. She was nice, it just... didn't sit right with me somehow.
going. He can't nag at me now. Although the fact that I've now been to see three mental health professionals and am still in absolutely the same position is pretty depressing. Which isn't a brilliant thing for a depressed person to feel, to be honest. Ugh, that word.I'm not sure.
Anyway, it hardly matters because they don't have any appointment slots available.
She suggested that I have a freezing cold shower instead of cutting myself, because apparently it's a similar shock to your skin's nerves. We'll see.
At least it got Tom off my back by going.
Although that in itself is strange. He thinks he's in love with me, and all sorts of weird stuff like that. Sometimes it's nice and comforting that someone cares (or thinks he cares, I cant' really work it out) so much about me, but sometimes it's frustrating that our friendship is coloured by his feelings. I can't work that one out.




Brighter things; I completely love Emily and Naomi on Skins. They seem so sweet and innocent and fragile. It's beautiful. I keep watching all those weird videos on youtube that people put together, and taking screen shots of the scene where they're riding their bikes (I downloaded the song that plays in the background too). Though I think most of the youtubers making vids about them are overly focused on the lesbian thing. Which is a bit irritating.
I'm becoming overly preoccupied by twitter and dailybooth. I love how instant everything is. And frequent. Not like blogs and videos. And facebook's too... I don't know. There's something really appealing about twitter and dailybooth anyway.
Ugh. I should probably get some sleep, or revise, or do something constructive, instead of talking to no one about nothing.
I hate that we have no gas and no toilet paper. Hmph.
la la la laaaaaaaaaaaa..

ps - I'm really happy because I just noticed mememolly posted a new blog :)
also, I'm pleased with myself because I remembered to put the bin out tonight (well I remembered to ask Leon to do it, because I can't drag the bin up the stairs because it's too heavy) so we didn't have to play the 'quick hide our rubbish in bins all around the town because we forgot to put it out last week and now have too much' game.
:)

today

Today I need to do some set reading, and tidy my clothes away, and wash some of my dishes. Everyone in my house seems to have been abducted. Two are at away at home, and the rest are either hiding or have disappeared somewhere.
Me and one of my housemates are having this silent war. His laptop is old and doesn't have a wireless connection built in, so he plugs his computer directly into the router so he can connect. But he downloads alot of film and tv (all of which is really terrible stuff like two and a half men, and action movies, so it isn't even like I enjoy the end product), so it uses up sooo much of the bandwidth. So often if I want to do something that requires fast internet (not even fast, just not stoneaged slow) I will often unplug the cable from the router (it's right outside my door in the hallway) and then the internet will be instantly, magically inproved. It's so annoying that our internet is actually quite fast, but his stupid downloads mess with it so much. Anyway, so once I've unplugged it, he usually comes out and plugs it in again. The trick is to unplug it, but not let it drop to the floor. It has to look like it's plugged in, but not establish a connection. Otherwise he realises faster.
Neither of us have ever spoken about this war that we are waging, which I think is pretty funny. I am not going to let him win though. It's not fair.
Yesterday I went to the doctor (again). The first time I went, a few months ago, it snowed, and was beautiful. It wasn't quite as terrifying this time, because this isn't my doctor at home, so I'd never met him before. But it still involved telling him all the stupid stuff that's happened, and what I think and do and stuff. And it still concluded with the same thing: you're depressed, you need counselling.
Which is something I really don't need to hear, really. This guy seemed better about it though. He was more sort of... used to dealing with it maybe. Asked more questions and seemed to know more what he was on about. He said if I don't call the student counsellors on Monday he'll know, because he's going to check. Which is a little worrying, perhaps. But it's nice that he'd take the time, I suppose.
On another note, in response to disneykid1's post about his best friend application - I want to be your best friend! But I don't live in Philadelphia :( Actually I'm pretty glad I don't because it sounds scary, but I would very much like to be friends with you (like the rest of youtube...)
I suppose I'l post after Monday about how the weekend has been, and what happened with the counselling appointment. Hmmmm. Lots to do and think about..

With hindsight, the vodka jelly was an error in judgement.

did i?

Did I just fuse the whole kitchen which means the fridges and freezer will defrost overnight while everyone lies asleep in their beds?
Or did it just happen to occur while I was there?
Also, if either of the two possibilities are true, then is ignoring it and feigning ignorance the wrong thing to do?

coolest trousers ever?

I'm doing more yoga again and obviously it's an excuse to buy new clothes. I found these when I typed yoga into ebay. They're called 'thai fisherman trousers' which I thought was brilliant. I can't wait for them to arrive. Cool stuff + post = good start to the day.

We still don't have a house but we're hoping that the fit man will let us have the house we really really want.
My friend is really depressed and I don't know what to do.
Another friend has just moved in with us (the seven who lived here previously), and now I'm not sure how much I like her anymore.
I have a t-shirt for Carnage.
It's cold as fuck, and because I'm at the coast as I type, there isn't even any snow to show for it, so we're all suffering for nothing.
Today I was pleased because I found a really good article to give to my project supervisor. And I had a language lecture that I really love.
I'm listening to Animal Collective's Merriweather Post Pavilion and it's amazing. But I shouldn't have expected anything less. I still have a new Sigur Rós album to listen to, and something by someone I've never heard of but am excited about.
I bought them the other day, along with a new dress, new earrings shaped like stars, pink nail varnish, some Paul Smith perfume, a clutch bag, a bra. The clutch and bra were both in the sale which was nice. And the perfume is really pretty.
I'm not sure why I read some of the blogs that I do, because I really hate some of the people who write them. Or at least, I hate what they write.
I can't quite believe how fast the internet is being; the post office is obviously feeling very generous this evening.
I really love disneykid1. He's a proper cutie. Bless :)
I completely effing love Pass that Dutch by Missy Elliott. Proper tune.

Ok, so I'm editing this now. Because I want to write more. Also, it didn't really go anywhere.
I have a bruise on my back, and a cut in the middle of the bruise, because I fell on to a telephone socket when my housemate was trying to wrestle me.
I feel a bit shit, because yesterday I felt horrible and ended up cutting the top of my arm. It's not a big deal, it's just a bit stupid really. I might do some yoga soon. But it's very cold. And even though it would warm me up, it makes me reluctant to leave the duvet.
Oh. Every time I come back to this open window, I feel more and more terrible. So I'll have to levae it here before my computer becomes terminally depressed.

here and there

We've been looking at houses for next year. It's a bit stressful but also it's a little bit exciting.
I'm sat in my bed talking to a friend and watching gossip girl on itv catchup. I really love gossip girl. Even though the idea that there's some strange spy giving everyone text updates on the gossip of New York is really weird and also not really explained. I am completely in love with Chuck Bass. And I also think Blair is completely fantastic. I think the guy who plays Chuck was in Vanilla Sky paying this little autistic kid or something.
Whenever I go out at the minute, I always end up leaving early. I'm not sure what it is. Because I really do love going out dancing. I love everything about it; getting dressed up, dancing around, seeing all my friends, getting ratted (or not, whatever). It's such good fun. But recently I always get this strange feeling, like I can't stand everyone being around me. It's like I'm in a bubble and everyone's trying to annoy me. And nothing helps, and I can't get into the mood. And all I want to do is run away.
So that's what I do lately. I just end up going home without telling anyone. It's usually fine, but last night I hadn't taken keys, so I had to sit on the step being hassled by drunks across the road. It was gross. Although still miles better than staying in the club.
My macbook's fixed now. Go Apple.
I'm getting a tattoo on Saturday morning.
I think I'm going to eat some birthday cake.

that man....

Oh my. He really is most impressive. I have a little bit of a crush on the new Mr President. And I completely love Michelle as the new Jackie O. Oh oh oh :) Today has made me so so happy. I made a snowman, and watched history. I even loved it when he fluffed his inauguration declaration. Because that man has style. Style and finesse. Style and finesse and sex appeal. What a man.
I texted my friend at 5:35pm (GMT) and said 'well, 35 minutes and no assassination. What's another eight years?' and he replied with, 'Joe Biden, 45th President of the United States'. :( let's hope not, hey? Fingers crossed they have their security down.

While typing united states, I typed Untied. Think that captures it quite brilliantly at the moment. But never mind, because Barack is in charge now, and he's proper cool innit like.
Happy :)

This is my hundredth post. Ha. Imagine that. Mind you, it's two years, I think. Or three. I haven't kept a close count. I had an exam today. It wasn't the worst of exams, but it was a little harder than I was expecting. No. That isn't true. It was just the parts I anticipated to be difficult were less so, and the easier parts were more difficult than I expected.

Last night I ate the most delicious noodles I've ever eaten. With my new chopsticks It made me really happy to eat them without a fork, like everyone else did. And they do make you feel really elegant and sophisticated.

I'm taking a break from revision (I have another exam on Thursday) and watching Oz and James Drink to Britain on bbciplayer. It's very relaxing and soothing. Although it's nearly over, and then that means I should go back to work, but I don't want to. I'm learning about perception. It could be worse.
My housemate is driving me crazy. She's never here, so it could be worse, but it's just when she is - jesus! It's horrific. She's fake and all smiley and disgusting, even though she owes everyone loads of money for things like gas and electric and phone bills. I might murder her. It would mean we'd never get the money, but I think it would please everyone. They'd be happy to take one for the team in a monetary sense, I'm sure.

I hate how whenever you have money, and want to buy things, there's never anything you want. Or that's how it works with me anyway. I think the trick is to buy everything you like, and then eventually your money will catch up with your debt, and then you'll have lots of pretty things :)
I need to buy some more liquid eyeliner, and I feel like some new hairslides of some sort. And I need to vacuum the house, because it's getting a bit gross. Like, not awful, but just lots of bits all over the carpets and it looks untidy and makes me feel a little bit stressed out. But I cleaned the kitchen today so that made me feel better.

........ I'm writing this hours later. at 3.04am. Oh lord. Boys confuse me. I think I like this guy who lives far away. Another country far. But we'll see. Oh the welcoming arms of confusion.

I'm in the bath, which is in a small room near the top of my house. It's very long and narrow and deep, and I've filled it nearly to the top. I've placed chair next to the bath, that my laptop's resting on. The window is open a tiny bit, so the room isn't so hot and steamy, and I can hear a force eight gale blowing outside. It's really nice, hearing the wind so loud when I'm so warm and cosy. I really like this room.
I feel so nice.

pan's labyrinth.

I just got back to uni and finished unpacking and everything. It's good to be back, I've missed everyone.
Saw a cracking fight tonight as well. It was exciting because it was right across the road from our house, and there were 3 police cars and a van! Three blokes got arrested. But it was nice that we were safe in our house so we weren't in danger. That would have scared me.
Lots of revision to do, but it's okay. Oh I love my bed. It annoys me when boys ask me to take off my clothes. Well, not boyfriends.

sleepy.

I'm so tired it's ridiculous. Once again last night I napped, from about 8 until 9. Although I did work before I napped as well as after, for a change, so I got more done (hurrah!).But I still didn't sleep sleep until nearly four, which annoys me.
But today is my last day of work (!!) so I get to lie in tomorrow. Then I'm back to uni forever and ever. Until easter anyway.
I'm annoyed because no one I really love to read is blogging that much. And I, on the whole, prefer blogs to vlogs. I don't know what that says about me.
I really want today to pass really quickly. And I really want lots of people to text me. In particular, I'd like it if Stu texted me, but he's busy with alot of work and stuff. He's having sleep issues too which mean he's too tired to focus on work properly, which then keeps him awake with worry and stuff. It's not a good cycle.
At least I'm semi on top of my work. Yeah, I think semi on top of is an okay place to be.
I really can't wait to get home and make myself a hot chocolate with frothy milk. Being so cold at work makes me feel dire. I think it also makes me more tired. Although, it's when I'm warm that I fall asleep. So maybe not. Have to stop falling asleep at work. Especially on the stairs, that's not good behaviour.
I don't understand why everyone forgets how to drive when it snows. It's just snow. If the roads are warm, it wont' even freeze, so it's just essentially rainwater on the road. There's no reason to panic, or put fog lights on, or drive at 20mph. It doesn't make anything easier. Just stop being so stupid, k?
I can't wait for lunch. Only one hour left. I could eat now, but then I have longer to wait between finishing lunch and finishing for the day. I'd really like something sweet..but I can't think what. Maybe carrot cake. Ooh yes. Really soft, moist (steady on) carrot cake with lemon icing. They made the best carrot cake at my sixth form college. Mazing.
So this is ostentatiously long (surpassed only in its ostenticity* by its dullness?) So maybe I should just wrap it up. I might save it, and edit it at home. Or who knows, even add to its length.

*is this a word?

-edit. ostenticity is not a word. because it is not spelled, as I originally thought 'ostentaciously' so there would be no 'c' to make a 'city'. It's a 't'. So, the word is ostentatiousness. Which annoys me, because 'ness' is a suffix twatty kids put at the end of everything, eg coolness. erk.

tragus

This is my new piercing. I love it lots and lots. It doesn't hurt, which is nice. And it didn't even hurt (really) when I had it done. It sort of happened accidentally; I went to uni on Monday to hand in an essay, and I ended up staying the night, and I went into town the next day and had it done. It was sooo nice to see my housemates again after the Christmas break. I'm really excited to get back now, even though that means cramming and exams. Because I ♥ them and they are lovely :) It hurts a little bit now though, because I just cleaned it and rotated it and stuff. I wrote that first bit at 7pm on Wednesday. It's now 2:11am on Thursday. Did you know that the bees we have in our country now aren't native to britain? They died out during WW1. Or maybe WW2. Anway, they died, so the government had loads imported from brazil and europe and all over really. So now I don't mind so much that the bees are dying out. Not because I'm a bee racist, but because if it's happened once, then we can just get more again like last time. I don't want to have to work in the morning, but I really need the money. Sob. I have done a little bit of revision tonight at least. Which is better than nothing. I might take some uni work in to work tomorrow in case my boss leaves and I can get some done. I'm sure it must be worth just taking it, in case. I really like Paul Frank tee shirts and Swatch watches. I got bored today while I was photographing things for my job, so I ended up photographing myself. So I have more pictures from today:
The photo is a bit blurred because it wasn't light, but I don't like to use flash, and I couldn't hold the camera very still with only one hand.
It's a little confusing that the little blinking cursor symbol has disappeared, so I can't tell where I'm going to type until the words appear, but I think I'm coping well in the face of such bewilderment.
I'm watching QI. I really love QI. Every now and then, something really posh from Stephen's childhood (he went to private school) somehow makes its way into conversation, and the panelists rip him to shreds. It's so funny. Especially if Bill Bailey or Phil Jupitus are on; they do awfully good toff impressions. It usually ends up with everyone dissolving in laughter, and Stephen going 'Oh you beasts' very camply. It's marvellous. I'm feeling so much better for having had a little zuzz earlier. Sleep is a wonderful thing. Especially napping. But I'm also happy because I finally learned how to print screen on my mac. Although, finally isn't really the right word to use because I've never actually tried to find out before. But I have always wondered.
I think I might try and nod off now, because it's got to 2:22, and I can't let it get to 3am before I start settling down, not again. I'm in such bad sleeping habits.

My mum just bought a new sugar bowl. I might photograph the old one and new one together.
I spilled tea on my nightshirt. Now it's cold, and sticking to me a little bit.
What I'd really like is someone to think I'm perfect, and just want to look after me, and spend time with me, and share themselves with me.
My top left wisdom tooth is coming through again, and it hurts.
It was 1.15am when I started writing this. Now it's 3.21. I'm sat in bed watching QI. I've finished writing an assignment, which is good. But I have to work tomorrow, and I'll be horribly tired. So I'm going to knit a last row of my scarf and then try and turn over and sleep.
I feel so strange. I'm not really sure what I'm doing at all.
I watched Twilight tonight though, on the internet. That boy is beautiful. Just amazing looking. And I love Kristen Stewart who played Bella. She's also been in Fierce People and Into the Wild. My ex made me watch into the wild because he loved it, early last year, just after my best friend had died, and I cried for hours and hours. It was horrible. But it is a good film. And she's absolutely beautiful.
Ok, so....absolutely pointless post finished for now. I feel really alone and it's horrible. Please will someone wake up and call me.