booooooooored

I'm at my friend's at the moment. It's 01:43, and everyone's asleep? What? I can't believe this news. Jesus.

grrrr

I was such a nice girlfriend! And now he's such an arse! Like, for example, he came to visit me at uni in May. And prior to this we hadn't had sex. And he suggested it, so I said yeah I'd love to. And then he came instantly and la la la and he went to pieces and I was so nice to him and I looked after him and made sure he was ok and helped him lots, and then eventually went on to basically eradicate his premature ejaculation, and now he won't even reply to a text? A TEXT? are you kidding me? I fucking hate him.

pleased :)

I'm so pleased. I feel really content. I'm laid in my bed, watching Curb your enthusiasm, talking to the boy I like, and I'm a little bit high. It's really lovely and mellow.
AND Mememolly posted another blog entry, which makes me happy.
I wish I hadn't smoked the last of my weed, but the last of it has pleased me somewhat. Roll on Christmas Day.

♥ Roamer

Me : (03:26:35)
oh god i hate feeling like this

him. : (03:26:40)
like what?

He's right. Like what? Sometimes I feel like I don't exist. Like I'm getting more and more transparent layer by layer. And when that happens I sort of feel like my brain is evaporating. And sometimes I feel like I'd like to die, really slowly and whispery.
I really do feel like I have no effect on things around me. Which is ridiculous because clearly I'm pressing keys on a keyboard.
I just made myself raspberry and pomegranate tea in my little willow patterned bowl again. But I still feel like I'm disappearing. And that I might be gone tomorrow. And that if I'm still here, I'll be unhappy forever.

My Trip Home

My Trip Home was so hard and stupid. It was really really windy and the wind kept blowing me out of my lane (particularly when overtaking lorries) and the rain was horrible. There was so much and it was so fast that even on the fastest settings my wipers couldn't cope. Especially when the spray from other drivers was getting in my windscreen. Oh, and my rear wiper died on me, so I couldn't see out of the back window, which rendered my rear view mirror pretty much redundant.

So because I didn't want to get overtaken by people due to the spray, I decided to only drive in the inside lane. So I was driving very quickly, about 90 (very quickly for me), and then, helpfully, my boot popped open! I didn't realise at first because I was listening very loudly to Crystal Method. But I felt a draft and then I realised. So I had to really quickly pull over to the hard shoulder - I nearly took out about a couple of cars in my panic - and shut the door.

Thankfully I didn't lose anything :)

ps

This morning there was a box of Thornton's chocolates on the table, and I ate three. If I'm going to keep this up I need to do more Davina! They were really yummy though ^^.

I realised yesterday that I am quite obsessed by heart shapes. The catalyst for this realisation was when I had to battle the urge to buy red heart shaped balloons from Paperchase (possibly my favourite store ever).
And now I just found myself searching Google Images for pictures of heart balloons. Oh dear. Although I have found an extremely lovely one.

I'm on my lunch at work. It's quite nice to blog in the office. It's raining like a bitch. It's the most beautiful noise. And there are the sounds of Christmas songs drifting up from downstairs. And I am all warm and not wet. I feel pretty good today. Although entirely shattered. I only managed to fall asleep about half past five, and I was up at eight. This is on top of the completely hideous 12 hour coach trip plus train journey that I completed yesterday evening. Ah well. That's globe trotting for you.

The local paper did a yearly round up of who's died this year (how festive) and my Best Friend was in it again. It was a nice piece (nothing new, just the same stuff, but they are always nice about her, obviously) but it made me sad. As well as that, her dad had sent round the Christmas family newsletter thing, so there was alot in about her, naturally. It's all just a bit horrible that's all. Well, completely devastating, but a bit horrible will suffice.

It's nearly the end of lunch, which annoys me a bit. I'm going to a friend's party tonight and I will see my two favourite boys in the whole world!! Yay for this!
(Groan). I know that Live Aid (and Live8) was a really good thing. And that 'Feed the World' raised loads of money for a really good cause. But Bono is a fucking twat.

♥

Christina Ricci is so beautiful.




And so is Daisy :)

new watch :)

Telling the time has never been better looking :)

Why I love Germany

Kölsch!!!!!

people are so stupid

People really annoy me. They are so sensitive and stupid. Then as soon as they've taken offense at something you've said, they chill out and are irritating. I can't handle it. It makes me want to stick knives in my skin. Fortunately I am completely happy with this. I actually can't stand people.

*edit: I don't remember writing this. Drunk maybe? Although still completely accurate. Especially when in reference to a particular person of my acquaintance.

hollydays

Firstly, I hate german keyboards.
There are umlauts all over the place instead of proper punctuation.
I wish I was pretty, but being away from home instead of being depressed over christmas and thinking about the boy is good.

Edit: I don't remember writing this. Or what the second point was going to be. Me thinks lots of Kölsch damages brain cells.

breakups

I swear to god (no capital g, nothing but atheism here) that there's something in the water. Everybody's breaking up.
Today I had a phone call from one of my closest friends. She's been with another friend of mine for the past 4 and a half years, and today they split up. While she was visiting him at uni. With his parents on the way to visit and when she had to go and watch him in a play. Absolutely dire. Plus his mother is an A grade nightmare.
In other news, I am home, and have been very very high, and am today to be found decorating christmas trees in my house. Lovely :)

*edit: My friend Stuart has asked if he can read this blog. I sort of want him to but I can't. So...

progress?

I've been feeling shitty for a few days. But today has actually been really good. I woke up about nine this morning, which is nice because then you feel like you get the whole day. And I stayed in bed until eleven because it was just too warm and toasty inside to leave.
Then I went to a class, which was nice because it meant i put on nice clothes and did my hair and makeup and stuff instead of just lounging in my pyjamas and hoodie all day, and I listened to Kings of Leon on my iPod which made me smile as I bopped down the street. Going to my class also made me feel like a good little student. Then I came back and power walked up the huge hill to my house, and then did my Davina workout dvd. Then I've just been chilling on my computer for most of the day. I did some more Davina to keep warm in our freezing house, and I watched some Sex and the City dvds, and I watched Amelie as I ate pasta.
I adore Amelie. I love the film, I love Audrey Tautou, but mostly I just love the character of Amelie. I always really want to be her friend, even though she's fictional. And the accordion music that accompanies the film is just brilliant.
I also had a lovely conversation with one of my oldest and closest friends today (oldest in the length of time I've known him, not his age).
Another lovely surprise was when my housemate came and sat in my room with her cat (I love them both dearly) and we had a chat which I thought had lasted about ten minutes, but was actually an hour long! Which made me happy because it means we're closer than I had previously imagined (not being very good friends with this housemate is a worry that sometimes crosses my mind).
And currently, I'm watching a Louis Theroux documentary while I talk to a boy who I really really get on with, but who I'm pretty sure nothing will happen with (which is nice and reassuring right now) but who does fancy me a little bit, which is nice and complimentary. I fancy him too, a little, which is nice because it makes it that little bit more special to talk to him. So today is good. Hopefully I am making progress. Watch this space....

*edit: Also, I'm going home this weekend (which does sort of fill me with anxiety because I haven't been home since me and the ex split. Even though I am certain not to run into him, the emotions and feelings etc of things connected with him is something I am worried about) and I'm going to get extremely high with my friend J, and hopefully have dinner with A and J2, and decorate our family tree! What isn't there to love about Christmas :)

presents

lovely pressies ♥

Today is a better day. I have bought my best friend's little sister a really cool pair of warm looking paul frank slippers, and I picked up a dvd that I'd already paid for and bought my housemate a calender of Johnny Depp who she adores to the point of obsession (we're doing Secret Santa this year). A present I ordered for another friend (Eagle vs Shark) arrived in the post, and I ordered a cute new jacket and scarf online. I also finally got the courage to take back a present I'd bought for my boyfriend, and used the money to buy Benefit Beautiful Eyes :)
I'd bought him The Life Acquatic on dvd, a book called No one else belongs here more than you by Miranda July (who he adores), a hat (which I returned) and a soap dispenser in the shape of a cow (he's a bit ocd about washing his hands, plus he's moving into a new flat soon, so it was a sort of housewarming christmas present.)
Anyway, he'd have really loved his presents is essentially what I'm saying. And since he's still being a twat to me even though we're finished, I decided I'd prefer to have a present instead of him. I'm keeping the book and the dvd, but the cow soap was a very personal thing so I might just chuck it in with his stuff when I give him it all at Christmas.
I also had lunch with a friend and printed some lecture notes! All in all it's been quite a good day.
And it's been sunny. What more could a girl want? Lovely lovely day. Christmas shopping is really pleasing me at the moment.

confused

I have a stupid assignment in for tomorrow. I've written it, mostly. But I'll have to cut out a lot of words.
I don't feel as terrible as I thought I might, about the breakup. I think it's because it happened already. I feel more mixed and confused than upset. And I don't think that's even because of Him. I think it's a combination of stuff. I don't know. My friend keeps going on at me to go to the doctors or to a counsellor at uni.
I sort of think I might. I'm so tired of feeling like my head has been crammed full of wet, swirling air. And no one ever understands how I feel. Although it's difficult to tell whether this is due to my own inarticulation, or because no one else feels like this.
Either way, I really really fancy being stuffed full of pills right now. I just want it to go away.
I'm lying in bed watching Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe on youtube. He's so fantastic. I can't get enough of him. So so funny. And it blocks out all the shit that's in my head, which is really appreciated. Especially at 2am.
What a God-like genius he truly is. Speaking of God,
Richard Dawkins is just fantastic. Every person with a brain should have a book owned by him on their bookshelf.
I'm quite tired. Hopefully sleep will come to me soon. And I won't wake up dreaming of the Boy, and feeling sick from it.
Hopefully things will seem brighter tomorrow. And I'll be able to not be a confused mess of conflicting hormones and emotions. Maybe tomorrow I'll go a whole day without having to explain myself 8 times because my thoughts are so abstract.

relationhip status:

Single. Again.

boyspeak

What does 'There's a problem' mean?

I’m sat in the computer lab watching a programme about mental illness. Last night I told my friend that sometimes I hurt myself.
My boyfriend keeps telling me to come and see him because he misses me and it’s too hard without me, but he won’t come and see me, despite having numerous hours of free time on his hands.
I don’t understand that.
I really, really would like a chocolate bar right about now.
There’s always so much I want to say, and never enough space for all the thoughts to be around and spill out properly in a coherent and competent way.
I think I want to make my boyfriend a dot to dot picture for Christmas, but I’m not sure what I’d like it to be of.
I don’t even know if we’ll be together at Christmas, because he finds it ‘so difficult’ being away from me. Bollocks.
Why can’t he just love me? Why is it so difficult? I just want to eat and eat and eat. But then I’ll just get fatter and he’ll finish me for being a blimp. ARGHHHH. Could this life be any worse?

Hmm. It's very possible that I'm in an entirely dysfunctional relationship.
Last night I had a sort of argument (can you argue over text?) with my boyfriend about the fact that I couldn't visit him (this is despite the fact that he never ever visits me) and then it sort of came about that he ended up threatening that he might finish with me.
So then this morning I gave in and told him I would visit.
But then later on today, I said to him 'You don't love me, do you.' Not in a mardy way; we were having a nice conversation. Anyway, he answered, and he said 'To be honest, no I don't think I do'.
Which was a bit of a shock to the system.
It's meant I've been in a huge sort of painful fuggy cloud all day. But I think I might be ok with it now. It's ok that he doesn't love me isn't it? I mean, if I'm ok with it, it's not a bad thing?
I hope not.
I'm going to see him soon anyway. So I hope everything will be ok.
Mmm going for tea with my housemates tonight. Hopefully that will take my mind off it, and also please my tummy.
Then I will go home and have drinkies, and put ribbons in my hair and dance madly.
Please please please please love me one day.

PS

AND I finished sewing my dress from ebay with the pink monkeys on wearing top hats. Yus!

atheist bus campaign

This is probably the best campaign I've ever seen :) Click here to go to the website! :) I love being British.
My fringe is being stupid today because I got rained on. So I'm about to go home and straighten my fringe (which I keep compulsively cutting. BAD.) and get in bed and revise.
And THEN watch the new series of Lead Balloon at ten on the beeb. I ♥ Jack Dee.

I think...

...I got my work finished. Hurrah!
However, not sure where things stand with the boy. And I just realised that I've had the same pair of studs in my 3rd piercings for so long that they sort of embedded and have gone a teeny bit manky. Oops.

Prettiest necklace ever. Today is rubbish apart from this.

today however...

... I am really really stressing about work. I've been doing it for about 4 hours and counting. Nightmare.

Wednesday 5th October 18:20

I’m laid in bed wearing the coolest outfit. It isn’t even that dazzlingly brilliant. I just really love it. It’s a t shirt that belongs to my boyfriend. White with a piano that's split in half at the bottom, and from it shoot lots of whirls and laces of colour. A black skirt which is a bit puffbally, navy three quarter sleeve cardigan with gold heart buttons. A big chunky necklace that sort of looks lik it’s mad of marbles. My tights are thick, and a little bit textured, I think, and this beautiful deep sort of dusty yellow. And I have yellow tiny roses in my ears.
My t shirt smells of my boyfriend ☺
I’m watching American Beauty. It’s such a great film. I have my fairy lights on; they’re arranged around my bed, with my photographs. I really love my room.
I might draw a picture of an oyster catcher for my boyfriend.
The music to this film really is fantastic. Hmm… tomorrow I think I will wear…my cardigan with the cherries on. And some pretty underwear ☺

bad day.

Today is so rubbishy. I was in quite a good mood, but then I vomited (probably all the weed) and then had to wait on a train platform in the freeeeezing cold.
I've just been feeling really shitty anyway, and I went to get a chocolate bar from the vendor, and it said E10 for an Aero. So I put my money in, (50p by the way! Extortion!) and so I pressed E, then the 1 for the ten. But then I saw that there was actually a number 10 button all of its own.
So I looked at the case where E1 was, and there was sweet FA.
So, ladies and gents, I just spent FIFTY PENCE on NOTHING.
So I still feel faint. Joy.

I posted this on 30th November 2007:

I miss my best friend so much. Shes so lovely. And I loathe that i never realised how similar we are, before. We met in high school in about year 8, and we've grown up together, but not only that, we've grown together really. like, intertwined. EVen though we don't dress the same or necessariy like the same music, all the important things are in sync. We love each other and i miss her so much!!!! I spoke to her tonight on an instant messaging thing, and I really really want her to be here right now. I want to be drinking cosmopolitans with her, all dressed up in a pretentious bar in london.
God. Uni is amazing, but I'm not really that close with my mates yet. It's still a bit... like, explain what you mean sort of friendship, not like, thinking the same thing simulaeously friendship.
And as my housemate Mr R pointed out so very kindly, me and my boyfriend are more like fuckbuddies.
Thankyou so much Mr R.
I suppose I just miss being extremely close with someone. I miss my best friend.

Now I miss her because she isn't here anymore. I'm still at uni (well, I'm at home this weekend), and I still miss her. But it's so much worse now.
It scares me that I don't cry every day. And I hate that people sort of...forget. And I can't stand it when people get upset about death or grief, even though they have every right, and should be upset if they need to be. I hate it because I feel like I need it more. I feel like I knew the best person in the world, and now I don't have her anymore. So why the fuck should they be allowed to be upset?
I hate it. I hate what I wrote about us thinking the same thing simultaneously. Because now where does that leave me? It's like I'm a jigsaw with a bit missing. I always want to turn around and just give her a look, because she would know exactly what it meant and who I was referring to. We could almost telepathically bitch about people.
And no one gets it. And I hate anyone who pretends to.
So apparently grief fills you with hate for the whole world.

Today the dvd of what they filmed of my best friend's memorial show arrived through the letterbox. Somehow don't think I'll be watching that one anytime soon.

Barack Obama won the presidential election at 6am this morning. Thank God :)
I'm going home tomorrow to see my boy.
All my exams are finished now (apart from one which won't be for two weeks).
AND I'm getting my hair cut on friday!
Everything is nice. Except my cat has had all her teeth taken out :(
Let's stay happy, world.

ebay shoes and boys :)

I am not single anymore. Boyfriend who is now boyfriend again made a U turn. and my FIT ebay trainers arrived! Although because i'm incompetent I had them posted to my home address. So I suppose it's a good job I'm going home!!! At the weekend. To see the boy. Lovely lovely lovely :) I know I'm a doormat, and I have incurred the wrath of my friend for it. But I love him. And as long as everything is happy, I'm ok. So yus! I win. :)

i would like a red ribbon to tie in my hair

It makes me sad when the boy I'm in love with says we can't be together anymore because he can't handle me being at uni.
It makes me compulsively ebay, and watch huge amounts of mememolly videos.
I love Brett Easton Ellis. And Animal Collective. I like things that remind me of him, but they do sort of shoot bullets through me.
I can't wait until these completely amazing trainers get posted to me. Ditto the cute black pinafore.
I might stop eating.

mememolly

I think I love this girl. How have I only just found her blog and youtube account?

http://memememolly.blogspot.com/

uni life

So. I'm back at uni. Have been for a month. Being without he boy is difficult. Being without friends is difficult. Particularly since the events of April.
The course is more work but that's fine. I think I just need to socialise with everyone more. It's just it's so difficult to connect with people now. Maybe everyone feels like that. Or maybe it's just me.
I do need to make more of an effort. My friend (ex boyfriend also) thinks I need to have counselling. Or have a course of antidepressants. But I find that thought too scary.
I will resolve to try harder though.
I'm sat in a computer lab, almost entirely alone apart from one person. It's quite nice. it's starting to get cold outside which is nice too.
Sometimes I worry if my boyfriend is just with me for sex. If he even misses me. Why hasnt' he visited me yet?
Maybe he'll finish it. I'll keep the receipt for his christmas present.

I've been sat in my house crying for most of the day. I don't want to return to uni. I'm scared of not being around my very close group. I've come to rely on them even more of late. Also, my boyfriend didn't want to see me tonight, or tomorrow. So today was the last time i'll see him for about 3 weeks. It was extremely underwhelming, as goodbyes go. 

If he doesn't want to see me, I should just let him do what he likes. Why am I obsessing over this?

What if the morning after pill doesn't work? Then my head will be truly fucked, and they'll have to cart me off to the funny farm stuffed full of pills with huge rolls of bandages ready for when I savage my arms.

I'm so mentally healthy.

I'm scared I might be losing my mind. My boyfriend's asleep, lying beside me. He's beautiful. He actually resembles a Raphaelian angel in some lights. I really am punching above my weight with this one. I'm getting a bed to take to uni. It's a futon. It looks really lovely. 

What if I go crazy? Will my boyfriend love me? Or will I technically not be the same person, so he's allowed to not love be because I'm different. His arm's curled protectively round my waste as I type, laptop resting on the knees of my crossed legs. But he can't stop my mind imploding. I want so much to curl up in his safe warmth, but when he isn't conscious, it's like it isn't him I'm cuddled up to. I don't know. It makes me feel more alone. And that makes my head worse. How do you fix that?

No weed was brought. It's a shame, because I could do with muddling my thinking a bit. Although maybe it's good. Perhaps weed isn't good for a fucked up head.

I really hope my boyfriend brings some weed over tonight. I'm currently sat at my desk in my room with a cup of hot chocolate (the good kind, made with milk, not water) and a kitkat. I'm just waiting for Boy to come round really. It's not exactly been the most productive day. I went to the doctor, then the pharmacy, and then to my best friend's grave where I had a bit of a sob.

Since then it's been reading and writing. 

I'm back off to uni soon. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I sort of want to be busy with lectures and friends and stuff again; since I go back a week after everyone else it's been quiet for the last few days. But I'm scared of leaving my boyfriend. And I don't want to go back and not be around my friends all the time - home friends that is. I don't know. I'm a very confused individual. 

Sometimes I just want to admit myself to a hospital and let doctors and psychiatrists look after me. 

This feels really strange. I'm sat at my desk, in my bedroom. I just got off the phone to the local doctor's surgery. I'm going in to get the morning after pill. I've never taken it before, but last night the condom broke when me and the boy were doing the hawaiian. 

It felt so strange last night. I was really really high, and all I could think of was that his sperm had burrowed into my egg, and was growing and growing. I had this awful paranoia that I'd wake up in the morning with a 9 month foetus falling out of me. 

Why does this feel like such a huge thing? It's not like I'm waiting for an abortion or anything. 

news news news

It's strange to write after neglecting it for so long.
Life is continuing. Some days are absolutely horrific, but there are less of them the more time passes. It's good not to feel rubbish always, but sometimes I worry I'm forgetting her when I feel happy.

........I wrote that paragraph a couple of hours ago. A few minutes ago my best friend's sister called to tell me that she's being featured in Vogue!A few months ago she entered a writing competition in the magazine. Oh I'm so so proud of her. She's so fantastic and amazing. I think I'll buy it when I finish work, and go and visit her grave with it. She would be so so happy knowing she was in Vogue. I can't stop hopping up and down :)

I have yet to get sad about this - no doubt it will descend shortly. But for now I'm content to be absolutely over the moon for her. What a fantastic girl :) Oh something as brilliant as that just makes you walk on air for a few hours.

What else has been going on? Well... The boy told me he loves me. His name is O. He's very very lovely. He's actually been really lovely and understanding through this mire of shit that has consumed everyone recently. He is, I'm happy to say, a bit of a life saver. And a musician! What could be better? I like that he knew my best friend too. When you're crying for your loss, it's ... not nice. but it's better, because you know they understand, to some degree, how you feel. He is, in many ways, one of the best things to happen to me this year.

Other new things to discuss...travel. After the horror of April, me and a friend decided to get away.We commensed a bit of a Eurotrip. We started in London (obv) and caught the Eurostar to paris. From there we visited Amsterdam, Berlin, Interlaken, Lake Garda, Venice, Rome, Nice, Barcelona and then returned to Paris. It took about a month, and was the best fun ever. Getting away (not running away) was the best thing I could have done. We took her with us, but not having to be faced with the every day act of grieving was refreshing and relieving. I don't know how to end this. So

changes

So. What's new since the last time I signed in to this esteemed website?
Well. Just to update. My best friend is dead. I have a new boyfriend. I told him I love him but he didn't say it back. I'm going travelling. Everything is floating away on a dark sea, but sometimes there are stars in the sky, and it makes it a little more bearable.
Listen to Animal Collective. They will improve the air your soul breathes.

loneliness

I have always felt comfortable in my own skin - at least by myself. Being an only child, I have grown used to, often, being alone. But rarely have I been lonely. There has been the occasional period, yes, where I have felt excluded from a group, or less than wanted within a social circle. But it is particularly rare that I cannot be content with my own company.
However, recently, I've become aware that I am not functioning well when left alone.
A certain habit in which I used to indulge (self harm) has of late developed in to something of a crutch, on which to lean. However, I feel my lexis is lax. The use of the word 'crutch' would seem to suggest that when times are particularly hard. this is something I reach to.
Yet I find myself increasingly drawn to this method of coping. For instance; in the next room, my two closest friends in the entire world are sleeping. I should be sleeping with them, but instead, I have sneaked into the kitchen, procured some sort of cake slicing device, and have been busy burying its corrugated metal into my flesh for the past few minutes.
Nothing has gone wrong. I have spent a more than pleasant evening catching up with my friends, and drinking delicious wine and fruity cider, but I am sat here, discussing my ridiculous actions and peculiar thoughts on an anonymous blog, and they are tucked soundly in bed. Why am I the odd one? Why can this lovely evening not sustain me?
I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I'll ever be sure. I'm also not sure what drives me to hurt myself after a rather long period of absense from this modus operandi.
But for now, it preserves my mental health. Even if it is only a short term solution.
So I suppose I can't complain about that.
What's a girl to do?

little update

Just to keep anyone who might be browsing, yes, of course me and the boy have had sex twice since we broke up. And of course, he's got a new girlfriend, like, the day after. And of course I still like him. Boys really are crap.

girls...

Every girl should have a battery operated friend. I'm serious. I am experiencing immense pleasure and an uncontrollable urge to giggle and smile because I just had the most amazing orgasm. And it literally only took minutes to achieve. So little effort, so much pleasure. And no man needed. No need to fake, or to massage an ego (or anything else!). Just pure, unadulterated, completely selfish, happiness.

Like I said; every girl should own one. Smashing piece of engineering. Get yourself (or or girl) one immediately!!

general catch up

It's been a funny old week. Or two. I do think me and the Boy have reached a new plateau. It's a very nice place to be to be honest. Much preferable to being in a relationship with him. He's much more considerate and communicative as a friend. So let's keep him that way.

I've been having some funny dreams.

And my friend K has herself a boyfriend now. They're sickening. Obviously. And also obviously with valentine's day coming up they're going to be even more hideous in the coming weeks, but such is life.

One particular peculiarity (if you will) is that I've been chatting with the Ex alot more. Not the Boy. Big proper scary relationship ex. It didn't end that well either, and so it's a nice surprise to actually be getting on. I don't think either of us are suffering from ulterior motivations either, which is good. Although I have been called naive by many different people in the past, so perhaps I'm just not reading into it enough. It's been nice chatting to someone who knows me though. I find it hard to open up to people, so it's nice to not have to with him, because he already knows it.

It's very windy outside. I'm craving the sea, but it's late-ish and it's probably freezing out.

Mmm. It's so nice to be tucked up in bed with my beautiful laptop, chatting to an old friend, and the possibility of playing with my vibrator :) It's nice and quiet, I've found out, and is very very useful :) :) Very lovely indeed. A fine investment. Ahem. Enough of this gutter talk.

How fantastic is it that David Attenborough is on the tv again??? Well, it's proper ace innit, if you ask me anyway.

Everyone should watch Life in Cold Blood because even though it's lizards and reptiles and things, and they're a bit creepy, it's Dave the ledge, so you should all get glued in.

Be there, mayte.

Head is all messed up at the moment. Am drinking far too much, and starting far too early, but it just makes me feel better. It's very confusing. I have all these thoughts in my head, swirling like a fog, but I can't even be bothered to tune in to most of them because it's such a headache to untangle everything and analyze and go through it. It's easier just to let my head be weighed down by it really. At the moment anyway.

I can see why people go and talk to therapists. At least they just ask you stuff and prompt you to spill it. If you've only got yourself it's much harder to drag information out...

So... that's quite enough for today I think. Happy shrove tuesday to all, may you scoff many pancakes!

oh! and we have a house :)

feeling positive :)

So, after all the fretting, the wondering and the woe, me and the Boy are no longer Me and Mr Boy. He decided that the age difference (small but problematic nonetheless) means that we are looking for different things in this world, and that the timing is unfortunate.
It was a very mature way to end the relationship, I must say, but we all have to grow up eventually.
I am now the proud owner of a vibrator!! I know, how exciting. Me and my best friend and her sister all went into town to purchase them, after some lovely lovely cocktails in our most frequented bar. It's all very exciting. Perhaps being single again will not be so bad.
It's also not that bad, because now me and the boy are no more, he is being much more friendly and affectionate, which is enjoyable because I do like him very much as a person, not just as a boyfriend. So hopefully a new path has been forged for us. I remain optimistic about this.
Being at home has also helped my head I think, 1) getting away from the boy, 2) seeing the best friend lots and 3) not having to pay for anything and getting home cooked meals and laundry done et cetera.
Hurrah for feeling positive and enjoying life, with all its twists and turns.

boobs

Oh my god. My housemate actually just said to me: if you had your boobs and you were thin, you'd be really hot.

Cheers, mate. Thanks so much.

I hate boys.

house hunting

Househunting is stressful. It doesn't help when one of your housemates is whinging and hypothesising about leaving uni. Idiot. Cut us some slack will you??

I am feeling alot less wasted on the day now.

Mr Leon who lives opposite me is playing his terrible music.

I am reading an exquisitely written blog.

I can hear Craig who lives next to me laughing at a dvd a just lent him.

All these things make me very happy, and content that the world is as it should be.

I can't help but feel that I'm wasted on today. My makeup is really really good (incidentally I'm not exaggerating, I'm just making the point that my makeup is unusually flawless considering it is I who has applied it). 

Also, my hair is quite nice too. No stupid kinks, silky but not greasy. Not too try hard. Just nice.

And do you know what I'm doing with this (relative) perfection? I'm seated at my desk, procrastinating. I have revision to do and am not keen you see. All my housemates are out, househunting for next year, and my two best friends are having cosy time with their respective boyfriends.

Where is my boyfriend? Dropped off the face of the earth perhaps?

So, I will continue to read Belle de Jour and envy her prose; I will continue to read the guardian weekend magazine; I will continue to look good for nobody other than yours truly.

makeup and medicine

Oh hurrah! I have new foundation. The last one made me look a little jaundiced - yes that is a nice way of saying yellow. Being someone who is unwilling to throw perfectly good things away, I kept with the foundation, but I'm very relieved that the new bottle hasn't had the same effect.

Another new purchase was a lovely stripy rainbow umbrella. But the first time I took it out, it broke. So today I returned to Accessorize to return it. Full refund - hurray!! I wouldn't have bothered, but it set me back £15!!! That's extortion in anyone's book. For that sum I would at least like to have a functioning brolly!! 

So, I got a refund, and then went to Woolies and got myself a much nicer one, decorated with butterflies and beads, for half the price!! Who needs Monsoon and their overpriced and faulty goods?

Argh. Am not feeling well at all though. Since about Friday really. Really tired and grumpy, with a horrible sore throat that grates when I cough, which is often, and loudly, and body shaking. Ugh. Have been moping in pyjamas and a blanket most of the time.

I wish Mr Boy would come over and look after me. But that's just me being a pathetic girl. Ag. Still, I will allow myself a little wallow, and a little wish that he was here, stroking my hair and feeding me oranges...

Ho hum :)

Just Lemsip for me then (gag).

melancholy (the noun not the adjective)

It's far too hot in the house. I've just come from my best friend B's house, which was considerably cooler. I feel quite uncomfortable.
I also feel quite teary. I'm going to miss my best mate so much when she goes travelling (in three months). I'm so jealous of everything about her. Not in a mean way. I wouldn't want to take it from her. But I wish I was as good at everything. She's so beautiful. I mean, way gorgeous. She's the kind of girl that all guys see and their jaw hangs off. I mean, completely stunning. And she's petite as well, beautiful 6/8 figure. That's UK sizes. She's a US 2/4. And she fitted a size zero dress from donna karen earlier in the year. Basically, she's the girl you want to look like. *sigh* and it doesnt' help that I'm alot bigger than her, and also just generally less attractive.
Plus she's really really clever. She got a million A*s at GCSE (ok, who didn't?) but she also got 4 As at A level. And she's going travelling to south america and she's working at this uber cool cafe in manchester to pay for it, and she's got amazing fashion sense, and a million expensive clothes that she looks like a model in. After she goes travelling she's going to uni in london. To King's College. Basically, she's going to have the best life ever.
I'm so jealous of the London thing. I was supposed to go to UCL in London. But then I got a B in English instead of an A, so I couldn't. It was the worst day of my life. Actually. I'm still really really gutted about it. I regret it completely. But there's nothing I can do now.
It's jsut really got me down today. I cant' stop thinking about it.
God, I'm actually welling. That's so stupid. Anyway, basically, I just really adore my best friend, and she's everything I would love to be. But can't.
And I'm really going to miss her when she goes. But I know she'll have the best time. :) Cheers for B.

friends

I do love to meet new people. My friend's boyfriend, for example, is completely lovely. I am upset that I didn't get to spend the New Year with them, but it's worked out ok. We're having a lovely takeaway for breakfast, and we're watching Bedknobs and Broomsticks.
I think friends can make anything better, really. And everything looks better in the morning. Even sick stained previous evenings.

Ok. Now I'm really tired. I'm watching House on youtube and reading belle de jour's blog. I'm not sure why i don't want to sleep. It's weird. Everyone else is now. Apart from the cats. Hmm.
My best friend Miss B looks absolutely wrecked. Bless her. she's on the sofa, with her head at a right angle to her body (that's going to hurt in the morning) and her clothes and makeup still on, clutching a very furry cushion.
Hmm. I think I'll read a bit more belle de jour...

My none vomiting friends have returned and are now eating toast and eggs. It is very lovely. They brought poppers back with them. Even lovlier.
I'm quite tired, but not too tired. Not tired enough to sleep on a sofa anyway. And definitely not in a damp-from-cleaning-up-puke bed.
sigh.
this year has not had a promising start.

new year

Why is New Years always terrible? I can't remember having a good New Year's Eve. This evening, for me, was spent propping my friend up, paying through the nose for a taxi, pulling her up the stairs and then mopping up her sick. It was absolutely disgusting. And I was home by 10:10pm. Awful by anyone's standards.
Last year wasn't much different. Different place, different friend puking, but I still had to mop up vomit and was home before midnight. Although last year I had a boyfriend who loved me and we had quite a sweet evening together; this year I've been sat in my friend's sister's flat with her two cats while she's away in Thailand.
The year before I actually didn't do anything. I was invited to a few places but was quite depressed at that stage so I didnt feel like doing anything. So I sat at home. And pretended that I was at a party when anyone called to wish me happy new year.
I cant' even remember the year before. I was probably at a house party, smashed and high.
New years? Always a total let down.
I really hate it when people can't handle their alcohol. I mean, I have had my fair share of horror stories - the time I got lost and fell asleep on the pavement after crying my eyes out and shredding my feet on the pavemen and then was picked up by the police; millions of times when I've passed out. But I am hardly ever sick. I've been drinking since I was 15 (that's 4 years) and I've only ever been sick twice. And I can usually look after myself.
But some of my friends are sick alot. And I really hate having to be responsible for them. Every person should be responsible for themselves.
Although you do have to look out for people I suppose. I just resent having to look after people that's all. I'm not maternal. At all.
AND I hate that my boyfriend texts my friend Miss K (the one who was sick tonight) more than me. I hate that he has dreams about cuddling her in bed. Argh. She is gorgeous though. And I suppose I can't blame him for fancying her. It doesn't bother me too much, and I'm not that jealous. Actually, I'm not jealous at all. It just annoys me. But I'm a very angry person.
God I was so annoyed about tonight. How childish. I should try to be a nicer person. I really am quite horrible. Cant' help it I suppose...
I'll have to go out with my best friend before I go back to uni and ring in the New Year a bit late. I'm going to kill Miss K.